"Our desire was to create a being that had a fully equal and powerful counterpart, the male and the female." (Wm. Paul Young, author of 'The Shack')
There is a growing understanding in all quarters that the home is the basic building block of society. The state of health or dysfunction of homes and families is faithfully reflected in a nation and, by extension, the world.
Hence, this year's 16 Days of Activism against Gender-based Violence campaign theme: 'From Peace in the Home to Peace in the World'.
Every society and people group can be identified by its traditions. Humans in general love to prescribe behaviours for specific situations and circumstances and over centuries have found great comfort in being governed by these regulations - often unquestioningly.
Africa in particular is still steeped in ancient social structures and belief systems that largely dictate the way a parent treats a child, or a husband treats his wife. We commonly depend on a hierarchy system to inform the nature of family interaction; gender, age or earning capacity tend to be the most common currency to determine superiority and dominance.
Abuse - physical, mental and verbal - is an inevitable outcome of such approaches. And it is rife in homes all over Africa.
It is more the exception rather than the norm to find respect and teamwork operating in an African marriage. What makes a Kenyan husband routinely batter his wife, if not an inherited belief that her worth is not on a par with his own?
These mistaken beliefs may never have been verbalised, but through traditions as seemingly innocuous as the perpetuation of marriage negotiations during which the men haggle over bride price, we legitimise a system of subjugation within what is supposed to be a joyful partnership.
As we cling blindly to the security blanket of our age-old customs and practices, power games and manipulation have free rein in our homes. What makes a Kenyan husband routinely stay out late without leaving word of his whereabouts, if not an inherent belief that as the man, no woman should question his right to do as he pleases?
ENDURE NEGLECT
We often miss the boat concerning the meaning of family and as a result, end up miserable in the very place that is supposed to be a haven for every member.
The quote above is from a work of fiction that explores the human condition vis-à-vis relationship with the triune Creator.
Its premise is that people are simply looking for the wrong things in each other and therefore end up living lives intent on performance and fitting into endless man-made structures.
What makes a Kenyan wife routinely endure years of abuse and neglect, if not an unquestioning belief, based on the traditional definition of a husband, that she is lucky to have a man who meets her material needs, pays their children's school fees, provides security and protects her identity?
'The Shack' further suggests that men find their own sense of worth in the strength of their hands and their quest for power and significance in the world, leading to further role-playing.
Young proposes in the book that filling roles is the opposite of relationship. "We want male and female to be counterparts, face-to-face equals, each unique and different, distinctive in gender but complementary..."
Concepts such as authority and obedience fade into irrelevance when people come to an understanding of the purpose of a marital union when stripped of the overlay of custom and tradition.
It is, rather, the concept of unity in everything – both the small and the big that constitute a shared life - that can bring about abiding peace in the home.
When a husband forces himself sexually on his wife even when she protests she is unwell, or just days after giving birth, it can only be due to his belief that she is his property, especially if he 'paid' for her.
And when a wife treats her husband with disdain when he loses his job while she still has hers, she must be labouring under the prideful misconception that his worth as a person is determined purely by his ability to provide materially.
Africa has a long way to travel up the path that leads to true riches - not the monetary kind that our continent is so anxious to grab hold of, but rather the so-called 'soft' treasures that require personal introspection as opposed to unquestioning reliance on the dictates of tradition.
Recognising the value of the individual, not what that individual can do for us, is at the heart of attaining peace in our homes.
"If you had truly learned to regard one another's concerns as significant as your own, there would be no need for hierarchy," says Young through one of the characters in 'The Shack'.
