Share finance details with a spouse

This happened to one of my friends, and it served to bring out the fragility of relationships. My friend had married young, soon after leaving college and had beautiful wife and two children he loved very much. By the time he was 36, his wife only slightly younger, their children were eight and six years old.

After university, Paul pursued a career in banking and was doing pretty well for himself. During his 11 years as a banker, Paul had been promoted consistently and was doing better than most of his peers.   His wife, Pamela, had given up formal employment to run a family boutique in an upmarket location.

Part of Paul’s success was that he had taken on a mentor in the bank whose slipstream he was using to progress in the bank. In other words, whatever vacuum was created when his boss was promoted, Paul was almost automatically promoted to fill it. It was an exciting time for Paul. Unfortunately, something unexpected happened and it changed Paul’s life. Paul’s boss and mentor became involved in some fraudulent dealings and in the purge that took place; Paul was one of the casualties. He was not prosecuted, but he was fired.

Life came to a standstill for Paul and this is where things begun to go horribly wrong. The first and fundamental mistake he made was opting to keep his sacking a secret from his wife and children. So every morning he would get up, dress up in a formal suit, drive the children to school and then idle the day away anywhere he could find. How long he intended to keep up that subterfuge I don’t know. The thing is he could not hide his misfortune forever and his savings were sure to run out.
Soon enough, word of his sacking leaked, through the grapevine, to his wife. I was not a witness but I can imagine her sense of betrayal upon realising her husband had been lying to her for almost two months.

Banking is a sensitive sector and being fired from one bank almost guarantees you will never be a banker, at least locally, again. After searching to no avail for a job, Paul opened a small bar and butchery in the outskirts of town. He became a bitter man and his bar’s best customer. Sadly, six years after he was fired, Pamela divorced him and left with the children. She could no longer live with a drunk. I met her recently and she told me, she had  forgiven him with time but Paul refused to help her run her business because his ego was too big. They had never seriously discussed money before he lost  his job and they were not about to start then.   Pamela is now running a successful kindergarten.

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged.   Couples need to have a serious conversation about finances.  Firstly, always be honest about your financial situation.  If things have gone south, say it and acknowledge that continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.

Don’t approach the subject in the heat of the moment. Instead, set aside a time that is  convenient to both of you.   Do not hide income or debt; these things tend to surface on their own. Bring financial documents, including recent bank statements, credit reports, cheque stubs, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table. Don’t blame the other on any matter on the table; discuss it in view of who you are to each other - partners.

Construct a joint budget that includes savings and agree on which person will be responsible for paying the bills. Allow each person some independence by setting aside money to be spend at their discretion. This allows a person the freedom of adulthood and the human requirement of individualism. Decide on short and long term family goals and attempt to create some congruity between them and individual goals. If there is a special need like caring for your parents as they age, jointly set up an appropriate plan for their financial needs. Let transparency and accountability be the foundation of your relationship.

-The author is a life coach and founder of Peak Performance International - a human potential development firm.