Of Migori’s ‘forgive-our-trespasses’ delegation and missing envelope

The more than 600 people who came all the way from Migori to offer Ole Jomo an apology are a sign that the country is preparing for the return of the messiah.

Sources indicate that Migori received information that ole Jomo, the commander-in-chief of the defence forces, furiously drove into State House and summoned the First Lady.

“First Lady!” he bellowed heading towards the kitchen.
“Iron my military uniform quick. ‘Na usisahau bakora ya’ commander,” he ordered.

“Mzee, why are you so upset?” she asked as she emerged from the kitchen where she was baking mandazi for the Gitugi Girls Kidney Transplant fundraiser team.
“I am meeting Gichangi and Kameru to plot a State House invasion of Migori. Those hecklers will feel so surrounded they will forget how to heckle and beg for mercy,” he declared.

Medicine man

Of course, this version of events can in no way be verified but Guvvy Obado and his forgive-our-trespasses delegation believed the rumour and that is why they packed youth into matatus, college buses and elephant caravans to deliver their official apology.

The morning they arrived, the president was waking from a nightmare involving IDPs invading his ancestral property in Gatundu. Migorians were all over the lawns of State House.

Ole Jomo parted the curtains to his bedroom and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets. There it was! His nightmare from the previous night playing out in broad daylight.
He called his private secretary who confirmed that indeed the ‘wananchi’ out there had demands and would not leave until they had been fulfilled

“Donge”, some could be heard saying, “we must meet with our president and tell him how sorry we are,” as the rest agreed in unison.
He was just about to go to them when he was advised that he had to have a strategy.

“Remember these people are capable of throwing chairs and shoes so your bullet-proof vest will be of no use,” he was reminded.

“And you should not meet them in your military attire as you do not want to scare them,” someone told him.
To strategise, the head of state called a conference in his situation room after ordering that the Migori delegation be offered some food. Here, the president was advised to tread carefully as the whole world would be watching him.

A State House operative suggested that they hire a medicine man from Kisii to make the Migori delegation eat grass, but this idea was not popular with the president.

“Ndugu zanguni,” ole Jomo said at the end of the conference, “Give them more mosquito nets and then we shall talk to them tomorrow morning,” he decided.

Some say that Migori fellows were allowed the luxury to spend the night in the manicured lawns of State House, others claim they spent the night at Uhuru Park; we shall never know for sure.

“We sleep tonight and if by tomorrow,’ Mtukufu’ does not see us, we shall start running amok,” one Migori man threatened. “Apenji, si we agreed before coming here that no one would run at midnight,” Guvvy Obado reminded him.

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“But Buana you know Jakom might not like this at all. Umeongea na yeye?” Obado was asked. “The party has already apologised for your information,” the man was reminded.
“Ndugu zanguni,” he started as usual, ‘wananchi wa Migori hawana shida’,” he said amidst cheers, blaming the chaos on the opposition.”’Serikali yangu imeitolea kuungana na viongozi wote kuhakikisha manifesto ya Jubilee imeleta maendeleo’,” he said.

After the meeting, they were allowed to disperse. “Aiiii Buana,” complained one Migorian after they were dismissed. “We should have just posted this apology on the County’s official Twitter handle and Facebook page,” he said.

When he was asked what he had expected, he narrated tales of how members of delegations that visited some retired presidents at State House were treated.

“In fact, MakOloo the village tycoon started his posho mill business after a visit to State House,” he noted. Another Migorian said that a visit to State House those days was like a trip to receive a loan.

They looked at one another but none of them was brave enough to tell the head of state that he was forgetting something; an envelope perhaps. However, none was forthcoming. And that is how it all ended.