Is female envy second nature?

The green-eyed monster perches on many a woman’s shoulder, scrutinising anyone deemed as competition, and hissing out a list of flaws. JOAN BARSULAI wonders if it is a genetic weakness or a self-imposed affliction.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I were driving back to Nairobi after a long weekend out of town. Along the way, we stopped by a supermarket to stock up, and while there, we spotted three women chatting animatedly in the parking lot.

These girls were exceptionally gorgeous; everyone’s attention was on them. One would have been forgiven for thinking they walked around with their own lighting. As we gawked unashamedly, each of us secretly green with envy, one of my friends suddenly blurted out, “They are practically half our age, but I think we look way more amazing.”

The rest of us eagerly chorused to the delusion, reassuring ourselves that we were indeed the sights to behold, never mind love handles and the effects of the ten-hour drive that betrayed our lack of finesse at that very hour.

I later reflected on the incident with great amusement, thinking to myself how much better than us those women obviously looked. And yet we had somehow made them seem insignificant compared to us.

In the real world, can a woman actually get to the point where she can genuinely acknowledge the fact that another woman may, in some ways, be actually better than her? Marcy Muriuki, 37, who lives in a middle class estate, thinks not.

“As long as I remain the most popular girl in my apartment block, all is well. All the parties are thrown at my house, and all the marriage proposals head my way. I cannot imagine another woman taking over; that would really make me angry, “ she confesses.

Apparently, in the eyes of other women, a woman can only be beautiful up to a certain point; if she is also a stellar employee, and a great wife and mother, then that becomes a problem.

Anything out of the ordinary is likely to evoke envy from a woman’s female friends, co-workers and even strangers, who will spend their every waking moment overanalysing her imaginary flaws. What is meant to be an inspiration becomes a dysfunctional comparison that drives a woman to envy, and even hate.

Immanuel Kant, a great German philosopher, once said: “The standard we use to see how well off we are is not the intrinsic worth of our own well-being, but how it compares with that of others.”

This statement could not be further from the truth in describing female envy. If a woman is not satisfied with who she is, she decides it has to be another woman’s fault. ‘My man left me for her because she was prettier….’ ‘She obviously got that job because she slept with the manager….’

A good majority of female connections, be they friendships or relations, are riddled with suspicion, mistrust and basic dislike. Any woman you meet has to prove her niceness first, before she can be deemed worthy. Every so often, a woman will downplay a complement she has just received from other women, or stave it off altogether, for fear that if she dares reveal how aware she is of her achievements, she will be immediately despised.

Warranted

It seems envy is in-built in women, and it constantly demands that we measure careers, finances, breasts, hips and entire lives against other women. You think to yourself: “Because she is so curvy, she will diminish my capacity to attract men around the office.” “Because she is so outgoing, I will never be noticed….” And the depraved list goes on and on.

Is female envy just another quirk of the fairer sex, or is this green-eyed monster an uncontrollable ogress? On the one hand, envying another woman is not necessarily a bad thing altogether. Even the most level-headed woman can feel a little jealous of her friend sometimes. If your friend drives to the chama in her brand new car, and you barely make enough to pay rent, then a tinge of envy is truly warranted. Female envy only becomes a problem when your interaction with other women is based solely on resentment and rivalry that has no basis whatsoever.

Mary Mageto, a counsellor who has worked with women for many years, says feelings of jealousy that women have towards each other can be traced back to their own insecurities and low self-esteem.

“If a woman is not satisfied with what she has, and she sees another woman with all the qualities she is looking for, whether it is a fine man, or a great career, she is bound to get jealous,” Mary says.

She adds that when a woman does not feel good about herself, she will subconsciously try to sabotage the other woman or put her down in a bid to make herself feel better. But when a woman is self-assured, she will only look at the ‘better’ other in admiration.

Women have no problem with a man being successful, or courting all the attention, but God forbid that a woman be on the receiving end of all the goodness and glory. Mary attributes this to the fact that women are naturally competitive in nature, and, therefore, any form of correction from another woman will be seen as a form of attack.

Insecurity

In instances where you as a woman feel envious or hateful towards another woman, issues of insecurity must be addressed head-on. You are in this predicament because you have somehow led yourself to believe that the object of your envy represents a better version of yourself.

Sarah Karuni remembers with bitterness the time she started falling out with her sister.

“We tarmacked together for so long, struggling to make ends meet as we looked for even the most basic of jobs. But as soon as she landed her six-figure salary, everything changed. She started going for expensive pedicures and trips abroad.

“The final straw came when she bought her first car; I had always thought I would be the first one to drive. I was so angry at her that I could not hide my jealousy any more. We stopped talking three months ago, and she had to move out.”

If feelings of hate or jealousy creep up on you frequently, recognise that you have self-esteem issues you need to work on. Nobody runs into that many nasty women in a day; if you have to always talk badly about other women behind their backs, or judge them constantly, or always compare yourself to them (and when you do they always come up short), something is amiss.

To counter envy, try and achieve some of these things you so admire but will not dare to admit even to yourself. Do you want that expensive weave she has on? Buy yourself one. You want that Mercedes she is driving? Work hard, like she did, and get your own! It is not a skinny woman’s fault that you are overweight, so redirect that negative energy onto yourself and work out to lose the excess fat.

Successful

Everything that you see other women having, you can have, too. If she is meltingly gorgeous, and you are not, well then, just accept that and move on with your outstanding personality.

Or better yet, just learn to love yourself with what you have because truth be told, there will always be a prettier, or more successful woman than yourself. In the same breath, there will always be other women who look up to you and wish they were you.