Real cars have three pedals

By Tony Ngare

Have you ever wondered why some people, especially men, favour driving a manual transmission car?

An automatic transmission is a fine accessory — if you consider the application of concealer a vital part of your daily routine. Automatic transmission vehicles are for those who find driving a confusing task; those who need to focus 100 per cent on pushing one pedal, but, unfortunately, find themselves frequently distracted by things like cell phones, makeup, favourite food items, and shiny things.

One of the obvious downsides to this propensity to distraction is that when it comes time for these drivers to gently tug the steering wheel to either the left or right, they end up crashing into other cars, or anything in their immediate vicinity.

Rather than admit that driving is a skill that needs to be practised and mastered, the people who favour automatic transmissions blame their poor driving skills on everyone and everything else.

“The tree jumped out into the middle of the road!” they will exclaim. “There was no way to avoid it!”

Of course, these drivers will be sure to omit the fact that they were texting, checking their lip-gloss, and/or trying to master the use of the sippy cup holding their double non-fat chai latte.

ATROCITIES

You will never see a real man commit any of the driving atrocities mentioned above. This is because real men drive cars with manual transmissions.

Real men understand that cars need three pedals, otherwise the vehicle is nothing more than a fancy golf cart. Real men understand that driving is a skill, and that the best way to master this skill is to maintain absolute control of all aspects of a car at all times.

There is a reason men have to suffer the unfunny jokes about how they don’t like to relinquish the TV remote; men do enjoy being in control. It goes without saying that most men would rather be the boss than the subordinate. A car with a manual transmission lets the driver be the boss of the car as the throttle response will always be immediate, intuitive and easily controlled.

Despite what engineers may say, modern cars aren’t that smart. Cars that shift themselves will often hold the wrong gear, or shift up at the worst possible time, resulting in a car that treats the gas pedal as a suggestion box — which it promptly ignores.

Having an ability to drive stick can make one sound like an authority on all things automotive when talking with the fairer sex, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

If, while on a date, you come across a vehicle moving at a pace that would make a tortoise impatient, say, with an annoyed confidence, that the driver is ‘granny-shifting and not double-clutching like he should’. There is a good chance you will sound cool. Manly, even.

Of course, you would be reciting one of the more embarrassing Fast and Furious quotes that really have no meaning. If your date fully understands what you just tried to say and calls you out on it, you found one of the few women in the world who knows, and cares about, cars. If you can convince her not to leave you for using such a cheesy line, marry her — now. She is the petrol head you need in your life!