ABCs of female motoring

By TONY NGARE

Female motoring is a complicated affair. One would think driving is as simple as getting into the car, turning on the ignition and driving off, but it is not so for our dear sisters.

Here is the first half of the female motorist’s alphabet.

A – Amber, for many Kenyan drivers, not just female drivers, is just a word. It is that ‘funny’ colour that disrupts the traffic light sequence of red and green.

B – Breaks. For most male drives, ‘B’ would be for brakes, but not so for women; the ‘B’ they would rather have is the break on a long drive. Health breaks and make-up breaks are welcome any time for the lady driver.

C – Compartment. A woman’s car must have as many compartments as possible. There must be a place to put her sunglasses, coins, make-up kit and purse. These niches are premium in her choice of car.

D – Dress caught in car door. After donning a stylish, flowing gown, many women never bother to check whether their entire outfit is inside the car as they slam the door. Thus, they zoom off with a flap of their dress hanging out of the door, picking up all manner of dirt on the road.

E – Enough petrol in theory. Yeah, you read that right; the ‘E’ on the dash board simply means that the car has enough petrol to move from the chama meeting, to the salon and back home in time for the estate meeting.

F – Fools. Many women in Kenya have to work hard to make enough to buy a decent car. But after they have bought the car, the women must fight male drivers even harder for their right on the road. If there were fewer male fools on the road, women drivers would have an easier time.

G – Guardian angel. Women know that they need to drive at low speeds, so that their guardian angels can keep pace with them on the road.

H – Hooting. You only hoot at a female driver when you want a sneer big enough to strike you in two, or when you want her to associate your mother with untold evil.

I – Idling. No, this not about engine tuning. In the feminine world of motoring, idling occurs when mannerless men gawk at women in traffic jams, making our sisters nervous. Why would an adult male stare at a woman in a manner likely to suggest that it is only her locked car door keeping her safe? Men, please style up.

J — Jerking. If you spot a woman attempting to perform a hill start or flash park as her small car jerks like a young heifer on heat, and all you can do is give her a ‘where did you get your DL’ look, you are the jerk!

K – Kph. This is the speed at which you are pushing your car to cover in an hour. However, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that to some successful female farmers, kph means ‘kilos per harvest’.

L – Learner. Of all the cars you have seen with a striking red ‘L’ sticker, how many were driven by men? ‘L’ stickers are for women; men have an inborn knowledge of driving.

M — Make-up. In every woman’s car, there is a make-up kit, just like the one you would find on her dressing table. She will have three pairs of shoes, perfumes, and an assortment of hand and body lotions. Did I mention a maize comb? Oops… the other one, for the hair.

The rest of the alphabet comes next week.