Ours is literally a man eat man society

By GRACE NAKATO

Uganda is known as the food basket of East Africa and we are blessed with fertile soils, and an abundance and variety of foods. It seems for some, eating the fat of the land is not enough, and they have resorted to consuming human flesh. We have few mortuaries and also in some cases, witchcraft is afoot.

Cannibalism has taken deep root in some parts of the country.

Bodies have gone missing from graves, suspects lynched and houses burnt. The cannibals are alleged to exhume graves in the night and make off with the corpse.

Nocturnal

Here are my tips on how to evade landing in a cooking pot. First, do not walk alone at night; actually avoid all nocturnal activities.

This is not only for your safety, but also to ensure your finances remain intact. It is the onset of the holiday shopping season, and ingenuity is being applied for the increase of bank balances.

There is a man who was recently caught in a forest in the outskirts of town. He has been liberally dusting his body with flour and posing as a ghost while his accomplice lures avaricious villagers to the forest in the guise of doubling their money using spiritual forces; but that is a story for next time.

Second tip is to avoid entering houses of suspected cannibals. If you must, sit near the door for a quick exit, and ensure you adjust the seat from its original position.

Evening menu

A friend once told me of a tale from their village in Bugisu where the guest would be part of the evening menu. You would arrive and be offered a seat and treated to a refreshing drink.

Unbeknown to you, the house had a “basement” where a cooking pot would be quickly lighted and various vegetables tossed in. As the afternoon or evening progressed, you would relax back into the seat, which would topple over into a dark hole.

A quick blow on the head would give you a direct connection with your maker and your body would be chopped up into chunks and tossed into the bubbling pot.

Apparently, cannibals only cook in pots. Please avoid houses where sufurias or metal cooking pots are not in evidence.

Lastly, cannibals are always recruiting. When you go for a funeral, avoid eating and drinking because you could be partaking of human flesh and, therefore, acquire a taste for this delicacy. Cannibals pound human flesh, mix it with salt, water and food and serve it at large gatherings.

Human flesh

They then follow targets with herbs and make them start dreaming and getting appetite for human flesh. This is how they are swelling their numbers.

Rumour has it that cannibals do not eat a live person, they target a person and use juju to “kill”. The dead body will, therefore, remain soft and pliable and may even sweat, but the medics will pronounce you dead. Perhaps we should start spending a little more on our dearly departed and not on the ceremony. Use chemical preservatives to make the corpse unpalatable, and cement on graves to reduce grave robbing.