Sinister plot to interrupt Kenya@50 celebrations

By TONY MALESI

Last week as I watched news at supper time, I was shocked when President Uhuru read to the international criminal court the riot act as he rejected parallel trial with his deputy William Ruto. So authoritative was the President that I had to stop chewing the piece of fish and bolus of ugali I had just introduced in my mouth, to pay maximum attention. Forget power vacuum, the President missed his father’s memorial service, now they wanted him to miss the big bash — Kenya at 50? Clearly, they are dreamers! However, as much as the President is psyched up for the December 12 shindig, I’m sorry folks, it might not take place after all! I plan to interrupt it by launching a campaign against hunger and protesting VAT. And this, perdon the cliche, you can take it to the bank!

Martyr

You see, unlike here, Middle East has some real radical fundamentalists who can strap bombs on themselves, get into a building and, kaboom, blow it up for cause.

In Kenya, everyone — including activists, is not only cowardly, but too hungry to go to such extremes — costly practical jokes we can’t risk! I mean, have you ever heard of a Kenyan martyr or even an activist going on hunger strike? I know what I’m planning to do is as suicidal as putting on a TNA shirt and wading through a crowd at an ODM rally and heckling Raila in the middle of telling a juicy kitendawili (riddle). But look, I’m an aspiring martyr — ready to die for Kenyans! After all, like a suicide bomber, I’ll have died for a cause and thus 72 virgins will be waiting for me in heaven! Hehe!

Well, I plan to hunt a frog and pocket it on my way to Jamhuri day celebration! I will innocently walk in and, of course, the metal detector won’t detect my frog. And I pray that while inside my pocket, it doesn’t croak, pee or defecate! I will strategically sit next to the dais. Let me pause for pessimists and cowards to laugh. Done? Fantastic. Thus I proceed.

Amphibian

Just when the President will have launched into his speech, I will shrill a high-pitched wail, to arrest the attention of all cameramen streaming the function live on TV. I’ll proceed to pull out my damn amphibian, raise it up in the air for all to see, thrust it in my mouth and proceed to vigorously and noisily chew it.

Obviously, within seconds, security will have made a beeline for yours truly and attempt to whisk me away. I will threaten to be violent by making as if to cock a clenched fist in readiness to punch whomever first attempt touching me. The cops will, of course, bring in reinforcement and overpower me because some idiot will have sneaked his hand in my underwear and squeezed my you-know-what!

Food security

In the melee, journalists will thrust microphones in my mouth and I will milk that opportunity by wailing like a vagabond as I protest VAT, and shout at the President to declare hunger a national disaster.

In a bid to quickly whisk me away, due to my beefy physique, they will unsuccessfully hoist me in the air. Never mind I’ll be kicking, repeatedly screaming— aiyayayaya afande you’ve squeezed me — and spraying saliva in their faces! They’ll then grab my trouser’s waist band and frog march me, on my toe tips, out of the crowd before hauling me in a waiting van. They’ll zoom off to a nearest cop shop, where I’ll be admitted to cool my heels.   

I suspect they’ll charge me with, among other crazy things, behaving in a manner likely to annoy the President and VIPs, disturbing peace, idle and disorderly. You know Kenyan cops! Which, like my governor, I will deny and claim I can’t recall committing such crimes! After a while, activists — Okiya Omutatah, Boniface Mwangi and the likes, will come chanting haki yetu and sooolidarity foreeever before bailing me out.

In my few minutes of fame, of course, journalists will be stalking me, I will go into overdrive about how Kenyans should venture into farming and further bother them with a lecture on food security.

And I will suggest, the energy we waste antagonising and killing each other over politics be channeled to activities aimed at ensuring food security. Just wait and see.