By ANIL BAKARI
If Field Marshal Dedan Kimathi, the Mau Mau hero, were to wake up today from his grave, and visit some of the bars in Nairobi where live screening of English Premier League games takes place, he would be furious.
The independence hero will be shocked, especially if he find some of the men quarrelling just because, for instance, Manchester City FC has scored a goal. Others would be fighting because a Chelsea FC player has been red-carded and worse, men would be crying like kindergarten babies because Manchester United has lost.
Standing at the door of the bar where Manchester United would be playing against Liverpool, the independence hero would think that his eyes are deceiving him. He would clear them using a handkerchief; look again and again before realising that his eyes are not playing tricks on him.
Kimathi would clear his throat loudly hoping that the football lovers would recognise him, but shock on him — they will not. In fact, some are likely to frown at him; others might castigate him for disrupting their concentration while the irritated ones will demand the bar’s manager throws him out. And amazingly, true to form, the manager will set some beefy bouncer upon Kimathi to throw him out.
But Kimathi may not relent, he would return at the door and stand still looking at the men wondering why he spent productive years of his life in the forest fighting Britons for the sake of this Kenyans.
“Old man, what do you want, take this bottle of whisky and go away. It will help you forget your problems?” one of the patrons is likely to shout at him.
But Kimathi would shake his head and continue looking at the men cheering themselves silly as Liverpool threatens to score.
“Here is Sh500, take it and disappear. Your presence is a nuisance old man, you are making us not enjoy a good game, get lost,” a patron will say as he throws the money at him.
Again, Kimathi would reject the money and continue standing at the door.
Annoyed, the bar manager would then dispatch two bouncers to forcibly eject him citing he is not good for business. They would take him about 500m away from the bar. But Kimathi would return at the door of the pub only to find some of the men crying as the game nears the end, with Liverpool leading Manchester United one-nil.
At the end of the match, with some of the men crying loudly, Kimathi would reveal his identity to the shock of the patrons and castigate those weeping. “Why is it that you never shed tears when Harambee Stars loses?” he would thunder. With no one ready to offer an answer, the seasoned fighter would whip each of the men as he shouts, “Man, you are useless! Man, you are useless!”
He would then return to his grave regretting why he fought for independence. Gosh! Does anyone notice our insane love for mzungu things? Folks, we urgently need mind decolonisation!
