Thanks to this winter, there are no weddings to fund

By PETER WANYONYI

Nairobi is not very conducive to African existence around now. The sun — which usually has a pretty decent relationship with Kenya — is on strike. Maybe it is on a go-slow due to salary issue, who knows?

The sun has declined to shower us with its rays for more than a measly couple hours on any given day, and the result is that Nairobi is freezing. Rather surprisingly, though, there are few, if any, weddings going on at the moment. Maybe it is the money considering government has not paid MPs, teachers, soldiers, doctors, name them their salaries, so we are all broke. This means we are missing out on those weekend weddings so beloved of lovebirds and so loathed by the rest of us.

Nuptials

A Kenyan wedding is a tax on the community. For starters, the bride and the groom usually have no money of their own. Indeed, in some cases a wedding is an outright fundraising affair, with the couple hoping to raise lots of money and then use just a fraction of it.

The typical Kenyan wedding is planned months in advance. The lucky couple set up a wedding committee, a bunch of unlucky folks who are saddled with the thankless task of helping plan the nuptials. The committee ropes in a few friends and family, and their first job is usually the printing of blackmail demand notes, also known as wedding invitation cards. A good invitation card combines flourish with subtle threats, thereby ensuring that anyone unlucky enough to be cornered into accepting one goes ahead and coughs up the required money without too much of a fuss.

With the blackmail notes sorted out, a restaurant is picked to host committee meetings. No self-respecting restaurant wants to be selected as a venue for wedding committee meetings. For one, the committees are long on numbers but short on custom. I mean, it’s common to see an entire wedding committee of more than a dozen loud people consuming a mere dozen or so sodas, and no food at all. Restaurants have thus taken to charging for committee meetings, but even this doesn’t make up for the lost business.

Busybodies

Wedding committees sit for weeks on end strategising and fundraising. And social media is involved these days, with Facebook pages and Twitter “twamily” postings serving to remind the committee of their solemn duties to help the couple marry. Sensible Kenyans flee when cornered by these wedding busybodies. With life as tough as it is, who wants to spare hard-earned cash just so an in-love couple can have legitimate sex?

By the time the actual wedding comes around, everyone — the couple included — is tired of it. It is left to the inevitable gatecrashers to show up on the given day, dig into the cold, soggy pilau and chicken on offer, and then serenade the couple with a boozy song or two. Those unlucky enough to have contributed money sit at the back, sullen and regretting why they coughed up.

Thank heavens for the winter. No weddings, no problem!