Is your guilt haunting you?

By JAMES GITAU

We hear the word ‘guilt’ all the time. In some religions, people are taught that they came into this world when they were guilty of sin. Some societies go further to demonise having certain thoughts as sinful. According to the law, some thoughts are considered as treason, punishable by death.

In childhood, we are labelled ‘good boy or girl’ when we do something agreeable with the society or ‘bad boy or girl’ when we are considered out of step with societal norms.

I believe these categorisations of innocence and guilt come from well-meaning members of society who want us to know what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. They are meant to help us develop a conscience so we do not destroy ourselves and others.

Indeed, guilt is supposed to keep us within boundaries deemed acceptable. It helps us resist doing things that would harm our individual and collective interests. It is often a persistent reminder that we are out of alignment with our core values.

However, guilt can be destructive on various planes.

1. Societal guilt

This is when we institutionalise guilt in our society and make people feel they are starting from a point of being ‘bad’; no matter what you do, you are guilty. For example, the belief that we are born sinners and that our nature is sinful can be overwhelming and frightening.

In most societies, when one violates the norms and is found guilty, usually by people who are themselves guilty of many violations, we happily justify meting out punishment.

In some societies, being happy is demonised, so if you are happy you are made to feel guilty.

In my view, this type of collective guilt is destructive.

2. Overstretched personal guilt

We have all violated some of our core values and principles at one point of our lives, whether it is neglecting our duties as parents or having erotic (‘sinful’) thoughts about our neighbour’s spouse.

Sometimes, we get consumed by the feeling of guilt and have this misplaced notion that if we beat ourselves up about something we did wrong, then we are ‘purified’ and, therefore, reduce the chances of repeating the same mistake or going to hell.

Reflecting on past behaviour and learning from it is instructive. However, unending remorse about our past mistakes serves no useful purpose.

Indeed, excessive guilt is one of the biggest destroyers of self-esteem, individuality, creativity and personal development.

In groundbreaking studies, neuroscientists, using brain-scanning equipment, were able to identify how the brain responds to guilt and other related negative emotions.

“During everyday life, we constantly evaluate social behaviour, and this largely affects how we feel about ourselves and other people,” says Dr Roland Zahn, a clinical neuroscientist at the University of Manchester’s School of Psychological Sciences, who was involved in these studies.

The team noted that social behaviour not conforming to an individual’s values evoked feelings of anger when committed by another person or feelings of guilt when the behaviour stemmed from the individuals themselves.

“The most distinctive feature of depressive disorders is an exaggerated negative attitude to oneself, which is typically accompanied by feelings of guilt,” Dr Zahn said.

TRIGGERS

The following are some common guilt triggers that we need to look out for and deal with expeditiously regarding guilt.

• Saying ‘no’ to a request, especially for money or a favour from a colleague, friend or family member.

• Taking time off to be alone.

• Giving yourself a treat at the ‘expense’ of the family.

• Not being there for a your children, spouse or friends.

• Past mistakes and failures.

You need to remember that the past cannot be changed, no matter how you feel about it.  Feelings of excessive guilt will neither change the past nor make you a better person.

Let go of the past and be compassionate with yourself. Accept that you did what you did with the knowledge and resources you had at that particular point.

The writer is the Founder of Peak Performance International. Email your comments to: lifecoach@peakperformance-int.com