By JOHN MUTURI
Many parents are apprehensive when their children hit the middle and teen years. This is a potentially confusing time not just for your child, but also for you as a parent. Changes are occurring within your child, yet you’re not entirely sure what is happening. You fear or feel anxious about what lies ahead. This apprehension can spark a desire to more fully control your preteen or go to the other extreme and completely surrender, saying, ‘there is nothing I can do.’
Parental control
The area with greatest confusion is around the issue of parental control and use of authority. The permissive parent with too little control and the authoritarian parent who controls too much, both deprive their children of basic skills necessary for healthy adolescence. Too often, these children reach their teen years either under-directed of under-motivated.
You don’t have to increase your control at this stage, nor do you have to back away from your authority. You can transition from relying on the power of your authority, to tapping into the power of your relational influence. This is the one great transition every parent must make. As your preteen approaches adolescence, the need for your parental rule should decline in direct proportion to his or her increased rate of moral self-rule.
The middle years are a time of great change not only for your child, but also for you as a parent. The greatest transition you will experience is that of learning to use your authority, and more of your influence, to motivate your child. Remember that when your child was young, you led by the power of your authority. When he or she is a teen, you’ll lead by the strength of your relational influence. Between the two points, the need for parental authority should decline as your child begins to exercise moral self-control. By the time she reaches adolescence, you will have exchanged rule-centred leadership for principle-centred leadership.
With the increases of self-rule in a child, there is a direct decrease in the amount of parental policing required. External motivations that once governed the child’s life are replaced by internal beliefs that rule from the heart. Moral maturity frees the child, allowing her to direct her own behaviour in harmony with family values.
Common values are the glue that holds families together. Having values means that the moral rules children live by are also observed by mum and dad.
By the time she reaches middle years, she should have begun to acquire a moral code to which she voluntarily adheres with increasing frequency. The more your preteen voluntarily yields to that code, the less parental authority is required-but equally so, the more parental example is needed.
Greater examples
Children are extremely sharp; they notice when there is disparity between our words and actions. Naturally, they conclude: “What’s good enough for mum and dad is good enough for me.” The inconsistency between values preached and values lived will always force a greater need for parental policing than would have been necessary if parents themselves are greater examples of the virtues they tried to instill.
By the time your child reaches moral maturity-between the ages of 13 and 15, your parental authority should be nearly invisible.
