New directives for people who have undergone plastic surgery

By Mark Mutahi

Owing to the rising number of people who have undergone plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons, the National Vanity Authority has issued new directives to govern the conduct and lifestyles of such people. Generally, the directives advise beneficiaries of cosmetic plastic surgery to avoid places with high temperatures since plastic has a relatively low melting point and this puts such people at risk of melting.

Some of the careers they are advised not to pursue include fire-fighting, welding and maize roasting. They are also supposed to avoid jobs that are likely to attract a lot of heat, owing to the decisions and results emanating from the position. This includes working as football referees, football coaches and chief justices.

Heated pool

Some of the places people who have gone under the knife of a cosmetic surgeon should avoid include hotel kitchens, heated swimming pools and political rallies where politicians are likely to blow a lot of hot air.

On a personal level, they are also supposed to avoid heated exchanges be it with their spouses or with their rivals. Women are discouraged from wearing hot pants for obvious reasons. If they happen to be university students with a knack for blocking roads and highways while protesting, one of the directives advises them to abstain from engaging in one of the most popular forms of defiance — sprawling their bodies on hot tarmac. This is because it could lead to melting and before long, their colleagues will begin wondering where they disappeared to.

Additionally, persons who have undergone plastic surgery should avoid getting hot with rage. They are advised to avoid looking at members of the opposite sex who are considered ‘hot’. It will also be for their own good if they avoid getting into hot water with either their boss or spouse. They should also cut down on their ambitions and avoid being in hot pursuit of anything in life.

The National Vanity Authority has also issued directives to the Association of Plastic Surgeons urging them that whenever they perform cosmetic surgery on anyone, it is mandatory they tattoo on the bodies of their clients user instructions such as the following: “Keep in a cool dry place to avoid melting”. For those who wear crucifixes and have had plastic surgery, the writing on their crucifixes should be modified to read: “In case of an accident don’t rush to notify a priest; make me lie down under a cool dry place to prevent melting first.”

Hazard

Regarding travel to countries, which have put in place stringent measures meant to ensure conservation of the environment, the National Vanity Authority will seek special exemptions for people who have had plastic surgery carried out on them to be allowed to set foot in such countries.

Nations such as Rwanda have banned all forms of plastics including beneficiaries of plastic surgery and people with plastic smiles!

In closing, the National Vanity Authority also recognised that persons who have undergone cosmetic plastic surgery are not only a danger to themselves if they don’t observe certain precautions but also pose a hazard to others.

They are thus not supposed to expose themselves to children. This is on the understanding that letting kids play with plastics, for instance plastic bags, may cause choking.