By Mark Mutahi
Revellers at a city pub were thoroughly entertained and left in stitches when police arrested an adult man for impersonating a teenager.
Acting on a tip off from members of the public, the police trailed the suspect to a pub where he was caught red-handed engaging in some of the teenage behaviour he had been accused of exhibiting — sending messages endlessly on his smartphone when adults were talking to him. The only difference was that in his case, the adults he was talking to were not his parents, but his drinking mates.
Speaking to journalists, the suspect’s wife promised to reveal more damning evidence that showed her husband was actually a teen impostor. This included the fact that the man was always seeking his mother’s permission like a little boy, before making any small decision. Also, like every hot-headed teenager, the man always ran away from home — every weekend!
DADDY
“My children’s definition of the weekend is those two days that daddy can’t be found at home,” his long-suffering wife explained adding that her husband would disappear on Friday mornings and appear on Monday mornings.
She also added that she was a victim of the man’s teen-like smartphone habits. “We can never have a decent conversation with him because he is always on his smartphone even in the bedroom,” the wife confessed. “I actually miss the good old days of rotary phones when he would come home and rest his legs on the table as he read the newspaper. Now his four-inch screen gets all his attention. This wifi hotspot thingie is a troublespot!”
The man’s drinking mates, who will act as witnesses in the case, also revealed they had begun suspecting their friend was ageing backwards, especially with regard to his smartphone usage.
“He had the annoying habit of inviting us for drinks only for him to spend the whole time staring at his smartphone typing away!” claimed one of his friends. “You can’t even talk about football with him, he is always on the phone.”
His ‘boys’, as he is fond of calling them, also revealed that there was another behaviour he had demonstrated that made them question his age. The ‘boys’ claim that when he was not on his phone and maybe driving, he would turn up the volume of the music in his car and rev very hard, especially whenever he would be driving past beautiful women.
GOSSIP
Interestingly, when he was presented in court the following day, the suspect got into more trouble with the woman magistrate after he displayed more teenage behaviour in the full glare of the law — blowing gum while being addressed by the judicial officer. Just like teenagers do when speaking to their parents and teachers!
Besides sagging his trousers and displaying his innerwear, other habits that gave the man away as a teen impostor, was his social media activity, which showed evidence of juvenile behaviour. He would insult everyone and use Internet and SMS acronyms excessively.
It is also said that at his place of work, the man was fond of borrowing colleagues’ newspapers only to end up reading the gossip and entertainment pages like any celebrity-crazed teenager. This is unlike those in his age group, who would dive to the obituary pages first since at their age, they are closer to the cemetery than to hippest club in town.
