My husband forgets important dates

By Nyambura Maina

My husband is forgetful. He always forgets my birthday and our wedding anniversary. Valentine’s Day came and went just like any other day and this angers me a lot. I ended up depressed and annoyed at him because I feel as if he does not love me. What bothers me the most is that for important dates concerning his work and his mother, he doesn’t seem to forget. I have been complaining about it but he doesn’t listen. What can I do to end his selective amnesia?

Melissa, Nairobi

Women gauge love by how much they feel cherished by their partners. This is why women delight in getting attention and being wrapped in affection. It is important for women to have their significant other tell them in words and show them in action how much they are cared for. A woman wants to know that her man is constantly thinking of her.

Men on the other hand get their boost from knowing that they are needed and appreciated. A man will be on top of the world if he fulfills a need for his spouse and gets the recognition deserved. Men do not respond to criticism, especially when it is accompanied by nagging and whining.

Through her constant complaining a nagging wife makes a man feel like he is constantly at fault and good for nothing. This rarely leads to productive results and both parties end up unhappy and exasperated. Usually at this juncture, men tune out and women brood.

In order for you to get your message across, find a better way to communicate. Avoid the use of sentences with ‘never’ and ‘always’. For example saying: "You always forget to…" "You never listen when …"

This comes across as an attack and your partner is forced to move into a defensive position or totally block you out. Calling him names like ‘useless’, ‘boring’ or ‘stupid’ is humiliating and also counter-productive. Instead, use phrases that do not condemn and judge such as: "I feel disappointed when you forget my birthday".

"It hurts me when you…" Encourage positive action by being specific in asking for what you want.

Men are not mind readers so let him know the little things about you like your favourite colour, restaurant, perfume and food.

You could also try reminding him of important events a few days before and then stepping back and having confidence in him to take the necessary action. It is always a good idea to dwell on your spouse’s good points rather than every mistake and irritating habit. You cannot change your spouse but you can make the best out of what you have and what you both put into the relationship.

Common counsel

He should remember

This is exactly what I complain about most to my husband. And just like yours, he doesn’t listen. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I sulk and withhold conjugal rights from him. I think this is the best way to pay back a man.

Frankly speaking, it is hard to be in the mood for romance when your husband dismisses your requests and complaints as unnecessary noise. I wish men would be more caring and affectionate, especially on important dates. I don’t believe he can forget important days especially when it is about you.

Lavender

He value mother, work more

The reason your husband remembers the other dates is not because they are more important, but he knows the consequences will be dire if he forgets.

His mother knows how to get him to do what she wants. His job is a matter of survival – if he forgets company functions and other important dates, then he will be out of a job. He expects you to understand that and not make so much of a fuss. Stop taking it personal when he forgets.

Eric Githaiga

Tit for tat

How about forgetting his birthday on purpose? Watch and see how upset he will be. If he talks about it remind him of the times when he has forgotten dates which are important to you and tell him how that made you feel. This is bound to make him think twice about forgetting your birthday and Valentine’s day.

Fatima H

He can’t read your mind

Pleasing a woman is hard work. It has to be done just so otherwise your woman will criticize everything and all your efforts will be in vain.

This is very discouraging and humiliating. I think in your situation, you should tell your man what you would like and go further to actually plan for a romantic evening if that’s what you want.

Trying to read a woman’s mind and pick a suitable gift is a daunting task that every man dreads. Help your husband by reminding him before time what you want. It will reduce anxiety and bad blood in your mariage.

Lataras K

Try other tactics

Most men are very forgetful, especially when they have to recall recurrent dates, and while not dating. Since you are already married, try asking him out on such dates and even give him surprises and see whether it works.Don’t always expect to recieve, try giving him something too.

Edwin Luttah