You are dating this great guy and everything is on cloud nine save for one thing - his ex is using his child to wreak havoc on your union. ALLAN OLINGO shows you how to handle this other woman
One of my friends Sheryl, had drama when she was settling down with this new guy. He had a son from his previous relationship and he was a great father to him.
But the baby mama started being on their case. She thought he was worth the hassle, so she had a little talk with the baby mama who was straining their relationship.
Sheryl made it clear that she was not trying to replace her in the guy’s life or come between the man and his child. She also emphatically stated that she wanted no trouble from her and was prepared to seek higher authority, if things got out of hand. Needless to say, there was less bloodshed coming Sheryl’s way and they ended up in a platonic peace of sorts.
Many women however will not have it easy as Sheryl did. If the guy you are dating tells you that he has a baby mama and they are on good terms, he’s probably wildly exaggerating or flat out lying. As long as she has his child, she has ties with him forever that can never be severed.
According to Wikipedia, a baby mama or baby-mother is generally defined as a mother who is not married to her child’s father.
She has her claws on your man, emotionally, financially and physically and the baby mama probably isn’t letting go anytime soon. It is always common to find the baby mama trying out her best to hurt your man and most of the time she will hurt you too to get back at him.
Psychologist Kennedy Miduwa says most baby mamas are scorned at by the men that they were at one time in love with, mostly because of their vengeful attitudes.
"It is not the current woman’s fault but most of the baby mamas just don’t care, but just want to hurt the father’s child as much as he hurts her," he explains. She also knows that she can hurt you to get to him. She will do anything to satisfy her vindictive streak," adds Miduwa. So what is the motivation for the drama from baby mamas? Is it that they are seeking attention so as to be noticed or they are just being vengeful?
Most of the times, they are trying to send a message that "I am still beautiful and hot", or in other cases it is just plain jealousy of the new woman, be it girlfriend or wife.
"Others are in those situations where they got pregnant to trap their partners into a permanent relationship or even marriage. Because the baby mama thought she could boost herself self esteem, and will therefore throw tantrums in a bid to salvage this," says Miduwa.
Other causes of this drama could be the lack of child support, the harsh realities and responsibilities of parenthood, the lack of affection, the need for control or the baby mama is not in a stable relationship where her needs can be met.
The way forward
So what is the best way to handle this situation? Do you walk out on your man because of his baggage? Do you confront the baby mama like Sheryl did or just sit around hoping she will get tired and move on?
Sheila Wachira, a counsellor says before a woman gets into any serious relationship or even gets married, it is important to be open and transparent with the man.
"Don’t be embarrassed as all relationships have baggage and vulnerability is a key factor in growing secure relationships," Sheila advises.
Another way forward is to accept that there’s a child in the picture who committed no crime by coming to this world.
As a woman caught in between the drama, you have to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship.
Is the guy worth the damage, tears, strife and pain?
If he is, deal deal with the fact that the baby mama is going to be in your life for a while, maybe even longer than he is.
"Once your tears are dry, you have to keep in mind that in dealing with your current man’s ex, try and maintain a cool head and act as mature and logical as possible," advises Miduwa.
You have to take the high road, because the baby mama probably won’t. You have to be respectful. No calling her names, or saying anything that might tattle her, as this will escalate the drama.
Don’t make yourself a glutton for punishment. If the drama is getting to you, just bail. No man is worth your peace of mind, ultimate happiness and well being.
As you act, also remember the mother is a woman and a person with emotions just like you. Keep in mind that in some situations the mother actually loved the father. Many always think that they were going to marry their baby’s daddy but ended up single parents. Maybe this brings about the bitter venom baby mama’s tend to spew.
"Ask your man about the relationship, how he felt about the news of his child’s conception and the end of the relationship. That might help you understand the baby mama more and your man more," advises Sheila.
Accept that the mother probably is not going anywhere.
If you are going to sit there and imagine, "If she wasn’t here, all of this would be easier," then you need to wake up. Address her presence rather than living on wishful thinking. If at all possible, try and talk to the baby mama.
Put it out there that you aren’t trying to replace her, you acknowledge that there is a bond you cannot break between herself, the child, and your man. This might help clear the air a little bit between you and her.
Sheila adds that most mothers see another ‘motherly figure’ as an imposter to the throne in her way. "Make sure she’s aware you’re going to handle your issues accordingly, but the child will still know who their mother is especially if the child is with the father," she adds.
When everything else fails, let your man be a man. If the mother does something that upsets you, don’t be the aggressor and call her out on it. When things like this happen, default to your man to handle it.
Make him aware of how you feel and let him handle it how he sees fit. If you verbally fight with the mother, she’ll verbally fight with your man, you’ll vent to your man, he’ll snap from all the griping relationship over. In all this drama, communication is key.
Your feelings are just as important and valid as his. Just because you are not the one with the child doesn’t mean you don’t have some say in how the situation is handled.
