Most Kenyans are quite crafty, often finding creative ways to avoid lending you a hand or giving a loan without directly saying no. While some might ignore that suspicious phone call, others might say "ngoja kidogo" before they go mteja (unreachable). Here are ten clever tactics Kenyans use to dodge those looking to milk them.
Lame Excuses: "Ungenipigia like one hour ago"
This person will inform you that you were slightly late with your request. He had just sent his mother some money about five minutes ago, and now he has nothing left. If you call him two weeks later with the same request, the response will be the same: "Nimetumia mtu sa hii sahii" (I’ve just sent someone money right now).
Ignoring Phone Calls
He probably knows you need help, so he’ll ignore your call at all costs. Your instincts tell you he’s avoiding you, so you try calling from another number. Curiously, he picks up, but once he hears your voice, he’ll quickly say he’s in a meeting and ask you to wait.
"Deal iko kwa pipeline" (The deal is in the pipeline)
Whenever you ask for help, this guy always has deals in the pipeline that have yet to materialize. He'll say: "Kuna deal nangojea, ikivaana nakusort" (I’m waiting on a deal, when it matures, I’ll sort you out). He gives you false hope until you eventually give up on him.
Hanging Up the Phone
This person will outright hang up the phone to avoid conversations that require him to part with his money or resources. He doesn’t care if he’s perceived as arrogant, as he thinks the lender is a parasite with no value in his life.
"I’m sorry, all my money is accounted for!"
This one is frank and will tell you upfront that he has no extra money to lend since all his funds are accounted for. He won’t hesitate to advise you to "man up" and find alternative ways to make money instead of begging.
"I’ll send you shortly"… but the promise never gets fulfilled
He will promise to send you money within the hour but then goes missing in action. Call him an hour later, and he’ll claim he remembers your request and ask for patience. Eventually, you get tired of waiting for the promise and look for help elsewhere.
"I swear, sina hata bob" (I swear I don’t have a cent)
This guy will claim to be completely broke, without even a single coin, and will go as far as swearing by the name of God. The reality, though, is that he’s loaded, and if a lady friend asks for pesa ya nywele (money for her hair), he’ll dish it out without hesitation.
Deviating From the Topic
After you explain your predicament and ask for help, he finds a way to divert the conversation. He might remind you how his grandmother has been sick and why you, as family, also need to chip in. He might even ask you to contribute to his own needs, such as buying a car, promising to deal with your issue later.
Using Scapegoats
He probably once lent money to someone who didn’t repay him, so now he doesn’t trust anyone asking for help. He’ll tell you how he was conned or mistreated by people he willingly assisted, and as a result, he no longer trusts anyone. You’ll be left with no choice but to seek help elsewhere.
Unsolicited Advice
All you wanted was a small loan to help you in an emergency. Instead, he tells you about banks and shylocks that offer credit at friendly rates. He’ll explain how he was helped by a shylock near your locality and even give you directions and contact details.
