Morgan Okello is a single father to a 14-year-old girl. Her mother died while giving birth to her. This experience left Okello traumatised. He was not prepared for this task - he never imagined that he would be a single parent, least of all, to a day-old tiny angel.
Angela had been born prematurely and had to stay in an incubator for over a month. This had a big emotional toll on Morgan.
When he finally took his daughter home, two months later, it occurred to him that he would be bringing her up alone.
“People who supported me during the mourning, the burial, the hospitalisation, and the eventual discharge from the hospital thinned out day by day until only my aunt remained to help me navigate my new task of single parenting. She too ‘decamped’ and would only visit once in a while,” says the single father.
One of the early challenges of parenting his daughter, says Okello, was that due to the delicate situation, he tended to be so gentle with her until a couple within the circle of friends who he occasionally consulted whenever he had a parenting issue, pointed out he needed to “mould” his little princess in an environment where she understood there were boundaries - dos and don’ts.
The father of the now teenager reminisces over the incident that led his couple of friends to give him this advice.
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“When Angie was almost four years old, we attended a birthday party of her agemate, and in the middle of the gifting ceremony, my daughter grabbed a gift from the birthday girl and what followed was an embarrassing scuffle between the two with my daughter throwing tantrums,” says Okello.
After the party, the couple visited and talked to him about setting boundaries before it was too late.
Referring to the incident, they told him he should have “calmly explained to my four-year-old that we need to ask for permission first and I should have returned the toy to the birthday girl,” says the single father.
Through this intervention, the couple told him, that if he had set boundaries, his daughter would have learnt the need to “ask nicely for a gift from me (not grabbing it from her friend) to which I should have explained that she would get during her birthday, and proceeded to praise her if she got it correctly.”
Ten years later, with the help of peers, experts, and resources on the topic, Okello has successfully navigated the “setting boundaries” landscape.
“As I watch my daughter sail through her teenage years, I am so proud of her - the two of us, ‘the daughter-dad pair’ and the milestones we have made despite the many challenges along the way,” he says.
Experts say teaching children boundaries is an integral and crucial part of their development. The boundaries help the children understand limits, respect others, and create a security net around them as they grow up.
“Teaching kids to establish and maintain physical and emotional boundaries in real-time at an early age is important as it equips them with the necessary skills and knowledge to cultivate healthy relationships and become emotionally mature adults,” says Dr Alloys Mugambi, a holistic physician and relationship coach.
He says by identifying personal space and where the boundaries stand, children will understand how to protect their own space for others.
Since starting his setting boundaries strategy, Okello says over the last ten years he has “played” several everyday situations where his daughter tested her boundaries.
These included learning the art of sharing, keeping off personal space, following set rules, following instructions, expressing emotions, safety rules, respecting privacy, and using technology.
Morgan Okello, a single father to a teenage daughter shares situations where boundaries were tested as he parented his daughter.
Sharing items
Children might struggle with sharing their toys, TV programmes, food, bed, and play space.
Explain boundaries, “Sometimes we need to share our things with our siblings, parents, family, friends, schoolmates, teachers, and others so that everyone can have fun.”
Use a timer to give each child a turn in the case of toy sharing. Tell the child they can play with the toy for five minutes, and then their sibling or friend can have their five minutes.
Let the child know their act has been appreciated. Tell them: “Great job sharing - that is very kind of you Angela”.
Unpleasant behaviour
Your child hugs strangers, keeps interrupting others
Explain to the child that they must ask for permission before hugging or touching others. Demonstrate that by asking the child: “Do you want me to hug you?”
As a parent, always practice what you preach - show the children how to respect personal space by respecting theirs.
Following rules and instructions
If your child, for instance, refuses to go to bed at their designated bedtime, let the child know they are expected to go to bed at a specific time so they can get enough rest.
Establish a bedtime routine, like brushing your teeth and reading a story.
If bedtime is not followed, enforce the consequences, like they will lose their bedtime story.
Expressing emotions
Your child throws a tantrum when they do not get what they want, explain that “We do not throw things or scream when upset” and teach alternatives.
Show the child how to use words to express their feeling. “I am upset because....”
Keep your composure and wait for the child to calm down before discussing their behaviour.
