10 things a Kenyan drunkard can’t say ‘no’ to

Kenyan drunks are just special. Besides looking for all manner of excuses to cut pints, they also have strange ways of developing alcohol-induced intelligence that sees them analysing winners of the English Premier League after the first match and how to win a sports jackpot after just two drinks.

 And as they say, pombe haina mwalimu, there are things a local drunk will hardly turn down when booze takes the better of the senses. Here are 10 such to have another drink by:

1. Just one more

It doesn’t matter if a Kenyan drunk has cleared a crate and is already walking like a new-born calf. Free drinks are never turned down, especially after being promised, “Let’s have one more twende home...hick!”

2. Thufu moto

Pombe sio uji or so goes the adage and a clever tippler, especially those who swill makali (bila kukula) know all too well that a mugful of hot, heavily peppered oxtail soup will keep the head sane more so while sorting all the campaign propaganda from candidates.

3. Drooling at cuties

Alcohol has ways of making all women small and beautiful and even a kaimati size behind appear like a chapati size after 10 bottles that make you think of not spending a cold night alone.

But woe unto you if you are ogling at a mchele ‘pharmacist’ who will see to it that you are discovered butt-naked in a ditch on Sunday morning.

4. Come we dance

Every drunk becomes a great dancer when the head is light with a few mixed drinks. Even the most shy can do the frontal crotch dance directed towards the office boss. Never mind our dancer gyrates like a recovering druggie!

5. Nyam chom, mutura

The drunk could be a veritable health geek who in his sober self only indulges in boiro once a week to keep lifestyle diseases at bay.

But wait until the bottle arouses his taste buds and intestines begin shifting in anticipation of roast meat. But can the butcher kata mutura ya Sh20 kwanza?”

6. Free counselling services

Even with three marriages down the drain and capacity not to save anything at the end of the month doesn’t mean our drunk is averse to offering free advice to other drunks on how to keep their marriages intact and ways of prudent finance management.

7. Free lift

A drunk buying his next bottle on credit and well aware there are 10 kilometres to stagger home will be glad to get a lift home and mostly doesn’t mind doing a bottoms up of dry hard liquor dry so as not to miss it.

8. Project Fame talent

The drunk you will hitherto not hear as much as whistling will rush to grab the mic and croak his throat away in the most irritating way a song has never been belted during a karaoke night.

9. Fujo

Even skeleton framed cowards after taking one for the road seem to acquire an inexplicable sense of courage that drives them to face muscled bouncers and threaten to beat them to pulps.

10. Bragging

When drunks get an opportunity to blow their trumpets, they do it with venerated gusto. You will be regaled with tales of how they made it in life, how they at one time beat police in their games and so on. As you guessed, this might just be fibs. The drunk will have no recollections of their endless tales the next day.