How to win elections: I was told to play with my manhood daily at 3am until party nominations

 Deputy President William Ruto addressing Jubilee Party National delegates as NASA presidential candidate Raila Odinga addresses locals at Tononoka grounds in Mombasa County

The dust has settled and Kenyans have moved on. But not the politicians who missed party nominations, an exercise those who spoke to The Nairobian described as  a “big fallacy and mockery of democracy.”

Indeed, any woman who won in a seat contested by men should be saluted for she is special and made of political steel.

The things people do during campaigns and in the run-up to the nominations are evil! One man gunning for an MCA’s seat in Siaya County was directed by his witchdoctor to ejaculate a given number of times daily for seven days to the nominations, with the last daily ‘dose’ at 3am.

He dutifully did as instructed, but 24 hours to the polls, the Orange Democratic Movement National Elections Board announced that the polls in Siaya had been pushed ahead by a day. He was disturbed. In the morning, the man called his ‘healer’ and alas, he was told he would lose miserably because the concoction works only on a seven-day prescription.

Pressed hard on whether he followed the instructions to the letter, he said one day they campaigned all night long and missed the 3am routine, forcing him to opt for morning glory instead. This is what caused the election to be postponed, his witchdoctor thundered. In short, his erection was ill-timed. Come the election day on April 25, he was tailing at number four.

Waganga aside, for those with political ambitions for 2022, know you are going nowhere unless you learn how to steal the win at the nominations stage. First, identify the returning officer and his deputy. Arm yourself with a gang of 50 muscular boys in different vehicles. You have to time the returning officer because even if you win, whoever he pronounces will be the ticket holder. Ask him to cooperate. In the event that he starts quoting the Constitution, simply hijack him to a destination not less than 250 kilometres away while your boys rewind stories about the number of human heads they have slashed and thrown in rivers.

By the time the election is over, he will be across the border either in Tanzania or Uganda strapped onto some tree begging  for mercy. That is where the deputy returning officer steps in to ‘cooperate’, of course  after pocketing  Sh150,000, out which he will refund 50,000 to pay your private army.

To ensure the deal is foolproof, the local police commander is supposed to be on ‘holiday,’ 48 hours before the polls and not reachable on his usual phone. However, ensure your boys can reach him through a kabambe that you have ‘facilitated’. 

His role is simple He deploys officers to protect your strongholds so that there is total peace and even if your opponent’s agents complain about ballot stuffing and rigging, they will be shoved out of the voting area or thrown in a Land Cruiser and evacuated from the area, prompting an outcry from your opponent’s supporters. Perfect!  It is during that commotion that 200 to 400 ballot papers marked in your favour will be stuffed in the ballot boxes.

It helps when you ‘know’ at least more than half of the presiding officers. Of course the nomination day is often between 11 and 25th of the month. They will be broke and salivating at anything between Sh500 and 1,000. Their role is to mark ballots for illiterate voters. This they do through agents who are holding Sh100 note bills and ask voters, “Do you want to vote for candidate A and get Sh100 or candidate B and get nothing?” No prizes for guessing what our unga-starved voter will chose.

But before you get there, ensure ballot papers arrive late, even in areas where the terrain is as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Oh, remember to disappear with the voters’ register for three hours so that voting starts at about 3pm.

This way, voting is extended beyond 6pm when darkness sets in. Because no party has the ability to light all polling stations, stuff ballot papers under the cover of darkness. You will the election by a landslide!

Make sure you leave the tallying centre with a provisional certificate showing you are the undisputed winner with a margin ranging from 4,000 votes and above to whatever number of votes you managed to stuff in.

Once done with grassroots, prepare enough bundles of money and ferry your gang to your party headquarters. Make calls and see strategic people in car parks or posh hotels away from glare. After holding fruitful discussions, escort them to their vehicles and leave the loot there. Within hours, your certificate will be ready and evidence sent to you via WhatsApp.

Circulate the image and let your supporters dance on the roads and block traffic while wielding machetes. Go to the home of the nearest rival and create fear by dancing outside his house asking him to accept defeat. Do not harm anyone or else your certificate will be cancelled.

Even after winning, prepare for a tribunal and get good lawyers to defend your case. Ensure your presence and competence in unleashing violence are evident at the venue.