Lez talk about zegs- Smitta Smitten

‘Let’s talk about sex for now

To the peeps at home or in the crowd

It keeps cropping up anyhow.

Don’t be coy, avoid or decoy the topic

Coz that ain’t gonna stop it now.’ Thaz what Salt n Pepa, a poppy group way back, sang about ‘zegs.’

I thought about them when that headline tokelezead last week about all the high schoolers, n definitely college agers, catching random rubs in Kenya – n yet their sex education is skewered (n theya odijos n paroz are quite shy about the topic).

So, as sang Salt n Pepa, let the fearless Smitta ‘tell you how it is, and how it could be; how it was n of course how it should be.’ Yaaas, lez talk about zegs!

The good

Sex can be straight, or it can be gay. If yur a back door burglar, thaz also okay.

But Side B is the conduit of a lotta s***... no pun intended, in termz of diseases.

If yur a gal who likes gals, tho, Johnny bravo to you. As goes the ole limerick: ‘A lesbo fresh outta jail, waz aksed how she managed for tail; said she ‘up inside Hollow Way, puttin’ the dildoe away ... a missy is as good as a he.’ If yer in high school, watch out gal! They still expel stoodies for that type of she-she ackshen. Breakin’ it down more, rubs these days come in all shapes, sizes n colours (kinda like pizza n ice cream).

Since ya in Kinya though, yur flavor will mostly kuja in chocolate (although if yer down as I am in Malindi right now, old vanilla is also a possibility, esp if yer like ‘I Scream’ Italiano, lol). Keep listening to that rock song ‘Stacy’s Mom’ n dream about cougars who will ‘sponsor’ you n let you ride their lil whips (Vitz), but college boy, mosta the action yul chew is them broke college chiquittas – at least until you maliza chuo.

The bad

The ‘down luo’ as say Nai Boy of all this zegs is that it can have a lotta bad side effects for young peeps.

Like a drug, it can all get adicktive or you walk about, a borno obsessed zombie who can hardly study.

But that ain’t a thing compared to getting a toi when yur still in yur teens or colle, esp if yur a chickadee.

Lemme tell yer, kwanza, as a new dad recently.

Tois are expe, n you need ta put aside tens of ngwanyez for toto stuff even afore they born.

I was in labour wardski n trust me, you don’t wanna be that kiddo getting a kiddo afore yur good n womanly.

Others (cowards, heh heh) opt for CS (saw a stat study) but then you got a wound now in the middle of your tumski. Then yul nyonyesha dat toi all hours of the day n night, change diapers, as they get older you gotta buy ‘em formulas – n thaz even afore they begin kindergarten (good ones siku hizi begin at 30 grand a termski). So, aks yourself this Gin Ideal song – ‘are you rede, my fren’, to get a bay-bee?’

The oooogly

Lez skip all the other skitty STDs n get to the MOAB (Mother Of All Baddies), AIDS. Coz it took kedo ten thao yuts countrywide last year, n I swore I’d give ya the low down leo, however oooglie.

I waz speakin’ to a doc the other day who works on the terminal end of things to do with that dread (research for a storo) n this is what you shudda know.

When yur kuffing of that ‘big 4 letter word’ (as sang the late great Prince – n if you asked ‘prince of where?’ yur an ignorant amoeba) here’z a few of the meds, tabs n injections yul have to endure @ thee end.

Prednisolone tabs to control flare ups of sclerosis cos yur muscles are a-wasting!

Metroclopramide drugs for the GERD* (nerd for ‘Gastric Esophaegal Reflex Disease) to stop the vomiting. (But yu still tapika lots). Also, they change you twice, thrice – adult diapers – coz you just poop popping ovyo ovyo by this point. Candid powder to rub on ya scrotumski cozza fungal infections, groin.

Calcium gluconate LIFE support injections (ironically also used to treat bites from black widow spiders).

So before you get yur MILF wish n go to bed with that black widow, yut-man, ask yourself ‘Muss I hit it?’