Riswa! Shetani Ashindwe: If only Jesus was a Kenyan pastor

A while back, I posted a message to the Son of Man on Facebook. I told him: “Mutongoria, your life is in danger. Judas is not a good man. He has shifty eyes and he talks while scratching his left armpit. If I were you, I would mount the nearest donkey and vanish into exile.” Then I laughed at my own folly.

The fact is, if the Son of Man was a Kenyan preacher, he wouldn’t be anywhere near a smelly donkey. It would be the latest Japanese 4x4 model. And did I mention the beach property? Or the imported suits?

That’s one thing I have never understood about the man. He had everything going for him. A doting and powerful father and mystical powers, but what did he do with all that?

Nothing, apart from meekly allowing himself to get nailed on the cross in a remake of our post-election violence.

He could have chosen to get spoilt rotten, like most rich kids do. Bail out of school, get himself a harem and spend the rest of his life chewing miraa and getting stoned. Instead, the man chose to meditate and pontificate about philosophy instead of turning water into wine and making merry.

Take that business of wandering around the desert for 40 days. What was he thinking about? If he wanted to meditate - it beats me why anyone should when they can grab a beer when stressed - He should have found a nice, little island resort where birds chirp and the breeze is tender to the soul.

Such a place would have a spa and many other soft creature comforts. But what did he do? He chose a desert, the kind of place where you only sweat your brains out.

Something else that shocks me is that he never built a church. Gosh! I mean, he should have begun with a small tent, upon which he would mount serious loudspeakers.

As his fame grew on account of his miracles, so would his following and the offering, necessitating a magnificent and humongous church called Tent of the Constant Miracle Crusade against Satan Thank You Jesus Church.

Seed money

Come end month and he would need G4S to cart his money to the bank owing to the large amount of ‘seed’ money from ardent followers.

There is nothing for free and if one can raise the dead, it defeats logic not to advertise the fact on lamp posts announcing major ‘miracle healing crusades’ with a guest Nigerian pastor and make a killing from the proceedings.

That notwithstanding, it was criminal for him to allow Judas to fix him.

He should just have incited his followers to eject him from the church with kicks and blows on a Sunday morning.

As for that dodgy business of Pontius Pilate, why didn’t he hire a smart lawyer to take the court round and round in injunctions for years or simply arrange for the file to - like it happen in Kenyan courts - disappear?

The only problem is that a crazed crowd would have lynched him in the streets, yelling: “Ua! Nyonga! Weka tyre!” without the slightest clue as to who he was or what crime he had committed. Kenyans!