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It is a year, Sunday, since Kenya as a country lost troops at El Adde in Somalia. One of them was called Stephen Mayaka. The government has since compensated the families, giving priority to the widows, of these men who gave up their lives. And as with all windfalls, even those coming from tragic happenings like our fallen heroes in Somalia, wannabes must emerge from the debris and shrapnel.
Take the case of Mayaka’s widow, Betty Aveta, whom our colleagues Nzau and Abuga tried to get in touch with, after she ‘disappeared’ with her two kids the second she got the compensation cash.
‘Stop wasting energy and time on me,’ she texted them back. ‘I am an eagle!’
Shs 4.7 million in compensation and suddenly some people grow wings like that pig in the Red Bull ad! One day someone is a kuku mwitu, now suddenly the wannabe is an eagle?
All Anne Kerubo, her mother-in-law wants, is to see her grandchildren again, like any grandma. But the reply the poor sixty year old lady, who has now buried both a husband and a son, has gotten is ‘life is too short to start focusing on other people’s issues. Get a life!’ Why does money make some people rude?
I remember being in a merry-making facility sometime last month, and this big fellow with a large expe-looking watch came into the joint with two mechanics, no doubt they had been servicing his car before.
‘Pea hawa vinyonge pombe mbili mbili,’ he said in a loud and jolly voice. ‘Lakini si hio ya pesa mingi. Wamezoea chang’aa. Na hio ya pesa mingi inawesa wanyonga na tunataka waone mwaka mpya, ha ha.’ When one of them tried to voice his support for one of the teams on TV, the Big Man said ‘Arsenali ni timu ya wanyonge!’
After the game, as KTN 7 pm news came on, the other mechanic tried to give his 2017 election prediction and was cut off with ‘Mnyonge hapeani maoni mbele ya wazee.’ Now, how do we know that Avetsa is a wannabe?
Because on one of her tele-media platforms, her name is ‘Guess What?’ followed by her picture profile of an image of wads of dollars. Not even the picture of her late husband? What a dreadful wannabe shame! Yes, today is Friday the thirteenth, but tomorrow we may have a lucky winner betting on the EPL games.
So some wannabe, who is already annoying the missus by betting cash they do not have, but then a ‘Bet In’ on or SportPesa comes through, and the pundit has Shs3.2 million in the bank. The next thing you know, he is on an airplane to Mombasa (why is it always Coast?), like a chap in a hurry not to miss out on a holiday (never mind that it is the middle of January, and the party ended with beach fireworks a fortnight ago).
In this atmosphere of New Year scarcity, our ‘lucky winner’ checks in and all the Aminas and Fatumas and Zubeidas, with a shark or two from Central called Shiku Shantelle, surround him. Only when his account is reading Shs 245, 632 and fifty cents after five months does the wannabe whom fortune smiled on crawl back home to wifey.
But, hey, he’ll always have the selfies with Shatelle forever, right? Some people should just remain broke, or at least not come across Lady Luck, because they become jerks and total wannabes. Take this woman writer I will not name who used to come for some creative writing workshops we moderate. She was a seemingly humble lady, always ready to take literary advice.
Then she wins a couple of million in some lit award, and hightails it out of our workshops, which is okay.
I run into her months later at a book event and she greets me airily with a ‘Tony. And hew ah uuu doin’?’ And I’m shocked because she has a sudden British accent, like the Expat across the page, presumably because BBC radio interviewed her. ‘Where’ve you been?’ I asked. ‘In Zanzibar, workin’ on muh bewk!’ she said. “Yew shewed tra’ tha’ island. It is absolutely chaffing.’
I informed Her Ladyship that I once wrote a poem in ‘Zanze Bar’ and that the place was absolutely chafu and got a withering look for my wit.
To whit, the lesson being you should not have violent personality changes, like a wannabe sociopath, just because, all of a sudden, umepata ‘ka kitu.’ Unless we ni mtu mwitu. Have a lucky week.
