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Smitta as a high school poetry teacher

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In anutha lifetime, I would not have minded being a high school teacher – teaching literature to two dozen enthused high school students in a mixed school somewhere.

In fact I was once an untrained English language odijo at Catho Praimo school – and count among my alumni one Talia Oyando (and also that gay fellow who now goes by the name Miss Jackson, and wears make-up n thongs; he always had an effete way about him, anyway, always blinking his eyes like a gal; n my only regret is not caning him thoroughly when I had the chance, heh heh)...

Who am I kidding about ‘enthused English stoodents’ in my imaginary class?

I’ll probably try to read n exercise from my Modern Poetry for Sec Schools book (with Ken Muriuki) – ‘Juxtaposition, boys n gals, is realised when two conflicting ideas, characters, situations, objects or descriptos are placed next to each other to enhance the contrast between them.’

This will be on this Friday afternoon, with exams next week till closing day that will fall on Friday, August 12 ( thanks to Doc Matiangi’s strict n strange new closing day school rules) ...

And here are what my twenty four high school students will be thinking in their different heads.

Student 1 – Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was 2.02 am and I was fast asleep in bed instead of here in poetry class?

Student 2) – The paint job going on at the school library smells simply awesome. Maybe if I inhale in enough of the wall, I’ll get super high tonite!

Student 3) – I wish Grandpa would just hurry up n die already. Then I’ll get a boat load of cheddar and be able to throw ‘Project XXX’ bashes when imam done with skool n scooped fools like this odijo, Smitto.

Student 4) – I wonder if that story I read in Crazy Monday, on Monday in the laibu is true – that there are yut gangs in Mombasa like ‘Wajukuu wa Bibi’ who mug peeps, n if yur a lady, they suck ya titties!

Student 5) – I wonder on Sunday if I can sneak into the back of the church n steal a bottle of wine after mass. I mean, it is just a boddla wine right, n not the blood of Christ before Father has baptised it, right?

Student 6) – Nobody knows I have a quarter of kibao hidden in my pocke right now (they prolly think I got a munyonji though, tee hee).

Student 7) – I wunder if I crossed the border after we closed n got married to a jihadi, wud dad miss me?

Student 8) – This dawning dreams poem that Smitta’s reading really rocks (this would be the class poet).

Student 9) – Pokemon Go!

Student 10) – The lack of fine dudes in this schoopid school! I wish mum would transfer me to a cool day chuo, like LCVR or Mso (I hear guys of Saints are aiiight).

Student 11) – That Wamboi is a back-stabbing biach who likes to spread lies about every-baddy.

Student 12) – Why isn’t Arsenal buying anybody, the way City, Chelsea, United n even Leicester are?

Student 13) – Friday night should get here alreadee so I can sneak outta this prison n go party till che!

Student 14) – My mamsilla has an almighty large tanye.

Student 15) – This Smitts jamaa is gonna kill me with that vibe of ‘Just a** position’ in poetry!

Student 16) – Waaahh, si stoodie # six has a big mukijiti? That can preggo me with kedo quadruplets.

Student 17) – Wow! Mom’s gotta buy me this clad I’m seeing here in Pulse (she’s reading ‘Attitude’ under the desk, not paying attenshun).

Student 18) – Am I a gay?

Student 19) – Why am I the only metal head in this skool? These others are shagzmodos (the others think he is an Illuminati devvo worshipper).

Student 20) – If this Smitts sez ‘euphemism’ or ‘parallelism in poetry’ one more time, I’ll go into a coma.

Student 21) – If we choma this chuo this weekend, si we’ll be send home n not do yuckzams next week?

Student 22) – If I make my GF preggos over the skool hols, she’d have a toi by Easter. (If it’s a boy, we’ll call him ‘Pilate,’ lol, though the shrub saperes in my village will all call him ‘Pirate,’ so, maybe not).

Student 23 & 24 – MIA and AWOL.

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