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Smitta Smitten: Fourteen for Valentine's

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Folks, for us all, this weekend is gonna be all about Valentine’s.

Doncha pretend dat de Arses vs Leicester game is the big deal on Sunday. It is a dozen year re-wind to the Mr Nice days, (before all dem batty SA chickas kulad him) n song on the street is kila mtu na dame wake...’

First off, our fourteen top players is Cheikh, the Mali actor, who was caught on camera banging up sum chicka in a club loo. Dude din’t even deny it in a Pulse exclusive with our writer, Mkala. Kama ni mbaya!

He had been rumoured to have had a dose with Habida, who is married to an oga, n with a toi! But here waz evidence of his behaviour, live on camera. N while he could vaguely recall the fu**t, he coont even remember the chiquitta. Cheikh is the Sheikh of ‘Shake Yur Bum Bum’ like Sukabumi.

Anutha actress, whom the grapevine has always swirled around of naughty shizzle goan down in cars n car parks, is da big booty Saraz, altho during our tyme in Watamu last August, I spied nada...

But Vera Sidika is definitely on the Smitta radar of loose suspicion.

Pray tell, watt exactly are all these trips the gal makes to Doobai hotels, yet theya is a cartel of wazee biznessmen who like take-away-ing there coz many silly miro chickas think Doobs is a holiday, yet it is just a transit point? As for Naijo, tis not Vicki Kimani who de sponsor for those sojourns to there.

As for da Monroe, lez just put her there in a box with Prezzo who ten years ago usedta date the cream, Nikki Mwanyigah, b4 manyege took him mpaka kuotea Betty K. Okari kwa TV, te hee.

Talkin’ of cream, how can we forget Crème de la Crème, deejay supreme, though the way he ‘spun that chick’ in his tape was so underwhelming. He the guy who gives wasapere dudes a bad name in that game, n maybe shud go to a Lunje star like Big Vic Wanyama for some lessons and mukhobero.

Talkin’ players, Denno Oliech seems to have kinda retired from being a big lady player from Eastlando to Westie, the way soon he may hang up his boots altogether forever in footer.

But tis unfair for a KOT member to have warned Bien of Sauti Sol the other day to keep the mamacita he is smitten with off social media otherwise ‘Shaffie Weru atakunyandulia ukienda tour uko USA.’

Sheesh!

Shaffie retired from dat kinda ball game the way his hero John Terry stopped bangin’ his team-mates’ WAGs, waaayyy back. My Saint Valentine Player award, tho, goes to Akothee the singer, who has zero chills in saying her wealth came from white dudes – n we all know watt dat means.

#TeamMafisi of Kenya, of course, retain their overall title as the largest ‘appetighted’ watu wa njaa, north and south of the Sahara, with their stooped haunches, and low-slung heads, and big super bowl eyes n lolling tongues and mouths fullo saliva, waiting for any female to roam into their area of attack operations.

That is why I wud take dat advice n tell the child of the bishops, Stephanie Kiuna (who does look like our Sophie Wanuna who gave Mike Gitonga a book de odder day to help him ‘improve’ his marriage, heh heh) to stop exposing her big nyonyos on Instantgram! #TeamHyena still roams the savannah.

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