Handle marital problems away from radio stations

I know with certainty that if by any marvel, God turned back the clock to the time when those in their middle ages were in their twenties; permitted them to hold on to the wisdom acquired over the years and keep a vivid recollection of personal experiences yet make choices afresh, there are mistakes many of us will take exceptional care not to repeat.

Every morning on my way to work I listen to marital grievances bared without remorse or modesty by aggrieved parties on call-in radio stations where the umpires, the radio anchors, season the discussions with embellishments that make everything one big farce. Often, advice given by faceless ‘family experts’ is scandalous, leaving one to wonder if both parties need the services of head shrinkers.

The whiners are mostly women who discover they married monsters where, perhaps, they had dismissed timely advice against their dalliance with haughtiness borne of youth impetuosity. Marriage, therefore, if time were to be reversed, would be a major casualty.

We all aspire to be happy, content, prosperous and stress free. If marriage be the cause of so much heartache, is it worth the bother? But, from the outset, nobody ever says marriage is a bed of roses, for even as couples wed, there is this mild warning tucked at the end of marriage vows that has turned into an ordinary cliché, something that hardly registers; for better, for worse.

I am not an authority on marriage and only have the benefit of experience; shared and personal. Nevertheless, it is easy to note that couples refuse to accept or take cognisance of the fact that men and women are different; in thought, desire, methodology and temperance. The trick may lie in making those backgrounds blend hence, the art of compromise comes into play. Both parties are beholden to cede ground in some cases, but the unfortunate thing is that obstinacy normally reigns supreme; throwing lots of things out of sync.

Conventionally, marital counselling has been the responsibility of the church and elders in society but as youngsters get educated and move to urban areas, they lack the wise counsel of elders. Somehow, that takes its toll on family values. Luckily, we still have some fiercely traditional societies like the Maasai’s where marital problems are minimal because values imparted continuously to age-mates at various developmental stages bear fruit; they are not perfect, but at least provide a model. In Uganda, among the Baganda tribe, I once witnessed several nubile girls staying in a small secluded hut where an old woman taught them what to expect in marriage and how to handle challenges. My curiosity led me to understand one of the main issues was philandering and how to handle men with understanding rather than tongue lashing. To the uninitiated, the Baganda women may seem obsequious, but that seeming servility helps to keep their men on the straight and narrow while allowing the girls to get into marriage primed.

Women have never trusted other women around their men, even when such association is formal. What informs this insecurity? Is it an unconscious admission that all women are predators and recognise that quality in others? Of course, my positing does not absolve men because many are incorrigible and randy. No relationship is ever perfect. Couples must learn to build it together through companionship, guidance, understanding, affection and dialogue. Learn to share intimate concerns prudently; not on radio stations full of lascivious counsellors who don’t know the first thing about marriage; the sadists.