I have a very selfish boyfriend in bed, he never satisfies me

My boyfriend is sexually selfish and I think it stems from boredom. He doesn’t want sex as often as he used to at first and it has become a routine.

He responds to my advances, but then becomes quite passive. Last night he allowed me to give him an endless massage then endless pleasuring. I had a happy ending too (eventually), but what I wanted was intercourse.

He hates to talk about sex, but I hate waiting around for him to do his thing in bed. It’s almost as if he wants me to play hard to get, but I really don’t know how to be convincing.

I discovered during a couple of holidays (when he wants sex frequently) that if I demand a little bit of role play (for example, playing ’Addams Family’ where he kisses my neck like Gomez kisses Morticia) and alternating it with a night where he gets to be totally self-centered, he’s more interested in sex.

The trouble is, we’re not having sex often enough for me to be relaxed about it. So, in summary, I want more sex and more kissing and touching from him.

And I need to know how to play hard to get within a relationship when all I want to do is get down to it. Please help.

Coleen says

Most people hate talking about sex with their other half, but what you need to say is that unless you do have an honest discussion, it could turn into a massive problem that could potentially split you up. If things aren’t working in the bedroom, then there’s a real risk that one of you will eventually go off with someone else. Sometimes, once you’ve been dating a while and the initial passion has died down, you do find out that you’re actually not that sexually compatible.

The only way it can be solved is by talking and compromise.

You don’t have to criticise him, but you can tell him what really turns you on and what doesn’t.

And have you directed him at all when you’re in bed? Equally, if he’d like some role play where you play hard to get, then he needs to describe his fantasy. The only way to be more in touch with each other’s needs is to say what those needs are.

You can’t keep trying to guess what he does or doesn’t want from sex. Yes, you might have to corner him and give him no option but to talk about it – it’s unlikely he’ll volunteer.

I’ve asked my husband Ray if he and his friends ever talk about their relationship issues with each other and the answer is always “no, not really”.

Generally speaking, men don’t like having those deep, meaningful conversations and, if they do, it’s usually when it’s too late to do anything about whatever the problem was. The horse has already bolted.