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10 reasons Nairobians fukuza relatives

Contrary to common belief that Nairobians are a selfish and cynical lot, their kind hearts are at times tested beyond measure.

You see, the queer behaviour of relas from shagz, who hole up in their matchbox-size, one-bedrooms for days on end with the excuse of looking for kibarua, can be quite annoying and intolerable.

In fact, most Nairobians dread calls from their shagz folk. No wonder their phone convos with the bucolic shagz guys is often curt and limited to, “sema” or “unataka nini?”

Here are some of the shagz-mondo habits that have Nairobians returning them on a one-way ticket back to Akala village.

1 Ojui kutumia flush toilet?

Some rural folk who are used to the ‘long drop’ back in Kanyamkago village have issues with water closet toilets. These are the ones who stand on toilet seats, leaving the seat up or the door unclosed, and God forbid, squeeze their bums against the corner and unsuccessfully try to do their thing on the bathroom drain! And just why can’t they flush after use, that handle is not a door knob, stupid!

Now, some of these beloved brothers and sisters are so used to the ruggedness and roughness of leaves or mucakwe (maize cob) to wipe their, you know what. So the tissue is uncomfortably soft and not even a whole roll would be enough.

2. Muchene FM

Let not the humble demeanour of a shagz-mondo deceive you.

Bring a mpango, buy a car, speak ill of your village MCA, lie to home folks that your salo has not  hit the account, and the shagz-mondo will peperusha the ‘breaking news,’ including how you are wasting money on expensive pombe and will likely die of alcoholism!

3 Hekalu la maombi

The over religious shagz-mondo has a way of converting your house into a hekalu takatifu la maombi by shouting and howling in the name of maombi ya kutafuta kazi, kufukuza mapepeo and the like.

They won’t hesitate to ask your visitors to get saved and tell them of incomprehensible visions of success or doom!

4 The slow coach

Nothing pains Nairobians like a slow learner who takes centuries to grasp simple street names and gets conned of fare playing pata potea.

Turning the shower heater and lights off is like an exam. You have to take them through ‘revision’ sessions by constantly reminding them to do so.

5. The copy cat

Many come to the city financially challenged and will virtually depend on you for fare, bribes and even booze. But it gets annoying if the leech wants to lead your lifestyle at your expense. They want to go out with you, swill the same drinks, cosy up to your buddies and sneak out with your jalopy.

6. That jumper is mine

Shagz-mondos have a habit of wearing your clothes without permission, and go to town to stare at skyscrapers kung’ethia style.  

7. Kauzi kejani

Nairobi is shamba la mawe where you hustle for everything, only to find your relative has ‘inherited’ stuff without a will. The Sh100 on top of the fridge goes missing as the bra of Mrs in the house becomes ‘was.’

Worse is when school fees for the resident brat is stolen and used as fare to visit another relative in Kijabe!

8. Brothel city

You can eye my housegirl and even spirit her back to shagz as the future mother of your brats, but bringing langas to the house and breaking certain commandments on my bed is a capital offence!

9. Ume ni waste

This is the breed that will not only eat everything in the fridge all at once and drown in those drinks you preserve to show off to your pals, but will also play the music at full blast. They will also leave the iron box and microwave on.

10. Kuonekaniwa

Don’t be deceived, envy cuts through many a Nairobian heart. As soon as the shagz-mondo lands a good job, but still sees no reason to chip in to lighten the monthly financial burden, the Nairobian comes with tales about being transferred to Lodwar or Kismayu for work. Take a hint and take a hike, you have outlived your welcome! 

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