Pain and horror of college girl whose love making video was uploaded online by her ex-boyfriend

England: Laughing with my friends, I glanced down at my phone. We were having a sunny picnic in the park and I’d casually mentioned I’d had some Facebook friend requests from men I didn’t know.

"Check your “Others Inbox” to see if anyone’s messaged you," my friend Donna suggested. As I logged on and opened the folder, a wave of nausea hit me.

Flashing in front of me was message after message, all from strange men. I felt weak as I read the contents. Some were unbelievably crude, describing what they wanted to do to me, others warned me that a sex video of me was online – even including a link.

The nightmare begins

I tentatively clicked on it. To my horror, my full name flashed up in capital letters, followed by a video that was private, intimate and graphic. Five seconds’ viewing was enough – I shut down the screen and flung the phone on the floor.

I felt violated and dirty, almost as if those men had been physically touching me. I wanted to contact them all and scream that they had no right to see me like that.

My mind flashed back to events of the last few months. Yes, I’d consented to being filmed, but in doing so I’d done nothing wrong. The only person who’d acted badly was my ex-boyfriend, John*, who’d filmed me, kept the video and, without my permission, posted it on porn sites to get back at me for our break-up. I felt sick.

That summer I’d been piecing my life back together. After a tempestuous, 10-month relationship, I’d finally found the strength to leave John, who was very controlling. Our first few weeks together had been great, which was when that video was filmed.

"Go on," he said. "It’ll be special, so I can watch you even when we’re apart." He talked me into it – the idea he’d show anyone else never crossed my mind.

Even when his controlling behaviour escalated, that video never concerned me. The rows were constant, and his mind games got disturbing. While we were arguing one day, me crying in my pyjamas, he whipped out his phone, photographed my distraught expression, then threatened to put the picture on social media.

I begged him not to and in the end he never did. Looking back, that was the least of my worries…

"We’re only over when I say we’re over," he texted me after I’d plucked up the courage to leave him for good. "Don’t forget, I’ve still got that video," he messaged. "I’m going to post it online."

Naively, I didn’t take his threats seriously. When he texted screenshots of the video to me and, embarrassingly, my friend Donna, I still didn’t believe him. It felt like yet another power trip. Even he wasn’t capable of doing something so hurtful, I assumed. How wrong could I be?

Feeling helpless

That afternoon in the park, still reeling from the shock, I started thinking about what to do. "I’ve got to call the police," I told Donna as we packed away the picnic.

I’d never heard of revenge porn, but I’d read about celebrity sex tapes, and the big American lawsuits. What had happened to me had to be illegal… hadn’t it?

I was in for a shock. After taking a statement and looking at messages from John, the two police officers gently broke the news. "I’m afraid we can’t do anything," one said, regretfully. "In the eyes of the law, what he did doesn’t constitute harassment." I felt powerless.

All they could do was advise me to text John, warning him not to contact me again, and to email internet search engines requesting the video was taken down. I couldn’t believe it! I was the one being violated, yet the law was against me. John, meanwhile, was free to get away with his disgusting actions.

In the weeks that followed, the video went viral, and was re-posted by random people to porn sites around the world, even in Japan. Googling my name brought up page after page of links to adult sites, and every day around 30 strangers messaged me on Facebook. To make it even worse, some referenced the nasty ‘category tags’ John had used – descriptions like ‘fat slag’.

It was horrible, but I tried desperately to blank it out, telling no one in my family. As recommended, I contacted search engines but got nowhere, since their application process to remove web content was ridiculously complicated.

Approaching the websites directly and explaining my situation was more successful. To my relief, one by one the videos were being taken down.

A change in law

Then I heard of a new law about to be passed, making revenge porn illegal. It was brilliant; exactly what was needed. But while it was too late for John to be charged, there was still time for my own personal justice to be served. Why should I hide away?

Opening up to my family and wider friends helped me come to terms with what happened. Their support spurred me on to do a speech to sixth-formers at a local school, which was nerve-racking but liberating.

Shockingly, the majority admitted that they, or someone they knew, had been affected by revenge porn. That showed me this is a widespread problem and people need to be educated. I had to get involved.

When the legislation was going through, I went to the Houses Of Parliament to meet politicians. Knowing I was helping to make a difference felt great, and when the legislation was passed earlier this year I celebrated.

What makes me most proud is that, since I’ve spoken out, both male and female strangers have got in touch, telling me they’ve also been victims of revenge porn, but that I’ve inspired them to take action.

Finally, after almost two years and a lot of hard work, that video is no longer on the internet. And despite the pain it caused, I feel no shame.

I’ve no idea whether John regrets his actions because, thankfully, we’re no longer in contact. All I know for sure is that I’ll carry on talking about what happened for as long as it helps other people.

Julie Pinborough, manager of Queen Mary University of London’s Legal Advice Centre, which provides free legal advice to people affected by revenge porn, says:

? There are so many different variations when it comes to revenge porn. Controlling ex-partners who post material because they’re vengeful and angry, as in Hazel’s case, are just one part of the wider picture.

? We’re also seeing the younger generation committing this offence, often teenagers who don’t understand the repercussions of distributing an image without the other person’s consent. He or she might not intend to cause harm, but because it’s so easy for an image to be reproduced online, the situation can snowball.

? ‘Sexting’ and exchanging sexual material is now part of the new dating rules, and it only takes one upload for somebody’s entire life to be affected. In the case of young people, it can lead to bullying, and for older people, it can impact on their work.

? Many people worry about coming forward for fear of being judged. I’d advise anyone affected to contact the perpetrator and ask for the content to be removed. If that fails, contact the method of distribution (eg, social media platform) and ask them to take down the material. If that doesn’t work, remember revenge porn is now a criminal offence, so contact the police and seek legal advice.

? Revenge porn is the sharing of private, sexual materials (either photos or videos) of another person without their consent and with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress.

? ‘Sexual material’ not only covers images that show the genitals, but also anything that a reasonable person would consider to be sexual. This could be a picture of someone who is engaged in sexual behaviour or posing in a sexually provocative way.

? The offence applies to materials that are shared electronically or in a more traditional way, including the uploading of images on the internet, sharing by text and email, and showing someone a physical or electronic image.

? Last month revenge porn was criminalised in England and Wales, and there is now a specific offence for this practice. Those found guilty of the crime could face a sentence of up to two years in prison.