Keter’s ‘matafaka’ wannabe outburst

I watched Nandi Hills MP Alfred ‘Vybez’ Keter’s temper tantrum on a friend’s smartphone with fascination ( I like to say that because I am not a wannabe, that’s why I operate ‘dumbphones’ whose only applications are ‘Torchlight’ and ‘M-pesa;’ but the truth is I’m probably just an analogue Luddite).

Kudos, yet again, to Robert Alai (and his ‘Kahawa Tungu’ web-blog) for peeling back the foreskin of our politicos to expose what wannabes our so-called leaders really are.

Take this Keter feller for example.

He is a first time Member of Parliament, yet in his rant, he said, “My worry is, let me tell you ... we are the government.”

Yes, sir, we are also worried that nyinyi ni serikali. But referring to yourself as the State, and in the royal plural, when one is just a greenhorn in Parliament, well, that is serious wanna-bee-ism.

Oh, in case you just returned from Neptune, bought The Nairobian and have no idea what I’m talking about, habari kwa ufupi (kama chupi ya socialite) ni hii:

The police at the Gilgil weighbridge last weekend detained a drill truck belonging to one nominated MP lady, Sonia Birdi; and her buddy, MP Keter, went rabid; ranting, raving and wailing more than even the truck bereaved lady (whom I bet you never even knew existed before this incident. What have nominated MPs, with the exception of Njoki Ndungu, ever done)?

“The State House Comptroller calls you (to release the lorry), more than 10 MPs call you, you don’t pick (the phone). You are waiting to hear from who? From God? Jesus Christ? What the faka is that?”

Wannabe moment-o right there!

This wannabe has put himself in the podium of the gods. - The Father, the Son, ... and then, Keter.

WTF? Keter calling the kettle black?! When told by the Gilgil guys that they were just enforcing the law, the fellow went ballistic.

“We will start with you,” he rages. “We are the ones making laws, and when we want, we break them.” A real wannabe right there, operating outside of the law.

Laws, for him and his ilk, are flexible things – and, like Zeus, he floats above the clouds. He flaunts them at will, a god defying gravity (and Gilgil weighbridges), a mortal above the law.

‘We the People are the Sovereign’ in the Katiba means Keter - and those 10 MPs he mentioned. But, really, just a small-time wannabe.

“I fight big wars. I don’t fight small wars. Tell your boss he is stupid. Hata kesho hakuna kazi! We have to sack the people.”

Yes, weighing in on a weighbridge in Gilgil is a ‘big war,’ amigo, nothing petty there at all. Small people like us are chewing goat at Nerkwo, watching you make a fool of yourself on YouTube (unless he was lucubrating at the weighbridge), and you imagine the wannabe idiot is the boss of those ‘mboys’ at Gilgil? Oh, gal. The people of Nandi Hills ought to sack you.

But when Keter really killed it was the wannabeeism of the now infamous matafaka statement.

“When the President calls, my friend, you have to respect. Whether you are a matafaka or whatever!” Respect what exactly? And is a ‘matafaka a position of prestige or what?

Tafakari hii - The matafaka disrespected the President – strip him of his matafaka status now! I know one can climb the stairs and chew gum.

Still, I doubt th President can make phone calls to Guangxi to cut deals with the Chinese over the Standard Gauge Railway (SGR), Skype with Raila on how Baba’s meeting with Indian investors in Gilgil went; then find the time or inclination to call a weighbridge in Gilgil – ordering the release of a lorry belonging to someone called Birdie.