Why bedrooms turn icy in January

Wallets go flat in the first month of the year and as DAVID ODONGO found out, an empty wallet is no good for marital romance. so men just have to suck it up till end month

“A man without money is not a man, but just another human being” is a favourite saying for some women.

The saying rings true for many of us, who only became men at the end of the month — chest thrust out, head held high, talking at the top of our voices. Our sexual stamina is unmatched, at least for two days and then we start counting days to next end month, waiting for the next paycheck.

Married or not, end months are celebrated by all men, since that is the only two days in a month where they reclaim their masculinity, which is often emasculated by poverty.

Nagging

For married men, end months are the only duration where the nagging stops, the wife’s nighttime headaches miraculously vanish and the family becomes truly one.

No wonder January is every man’s nightmare. It is the month where many men spend the first two weeks on auto pilot, regretting the heavy Christmas spending and thinking up of clever excuses to tell the landlord, the headmaster and of course, fellow colleagues who are owed cash.

But for married men, the next three weeks will be the ‘coldest’, until end month when January salaries will smoothen the rough bump.

“Immediately after Christmas, I tried to get intimate with my wife but she coldly reminded me about our daughters’ school fees. I don’t see myself getting some till end month,” lamented Elias Kimani, a Nairobi based graphics and animation designer.

Even villages have their share of end month drama. A well-known primary school teacher in Nyanza is usually escorted to the bank by his wife. The bank manager serves him personally.

The man withdraws the money and the bank manager gives the larger share to his wife and leaves the teacher with a few thousands. Outside the bank, there will always be two or three bar owners and chang’aa brewers waiting for the teacher to offset his liquor debts. Everybody knows that if he doesn’t find you outside the bank, you will have to wait till the next month.

The man, described as ‘brilliant’ by pupils who have passed through his hands, will disappear for days till he has spent all the money. Even the school headmaster admits that he is one of the best teachers he has ever seen, except that he loses his senses when he gets cash.

“I am the one who set up the bizarre arrangement with the bank manager after I got tired of seeing his wife chasing him from one drinking den to the other. Every month, he seemed to stagger further and further out of the village to stop his wife from tracking him down,” said the headmaster.

Whether this mwalimu gets some when the money dries out is not known, but Kimani, who has been married for five years, says he has noticed a pattern in his household.

Love

“I am not saying my wife loves money, but there is definitely more love in the house when I have money,” admits the 30-year-old man.

Recalling the days when he was dating the girl who eventually became his wife, he says, “Getting intimate wasn’t an issue. In fact, I am the one who would plead that I was too tired. Nowadays, I can count how many times I get any action in a month and they are definitely the few days after payday!”

A survey at the end of the month presents an interesting scenario: Pubs in town are filled with excited men drinking. But beneath their tables lie bulging paper bags from supermarkets.

It is not uncommon to find a drunk man, staggering to board a matatu while carrying two big supermarket shopping bags, filled with the family shopping he had bought six hours earlier. And if he walks with a swagger, it is because he knows he will, for once, be received like a king — and get some.

Kareithi, a city dweller, couldn’t agree more.

“After I pay the bills and grudgingly remove some money for the salon, clothes and shoes and there is adequate stock of food in the house, I am tolerated for a day or two, then things go back to the old ways,” he says with a grin.

Tim, his best friend, however, says that his situation is a bit different.

Sweet

“My wife knows I am a businessman. She knows I can get money anytime. So when she asks for something, she becomes very good and sweet to me till I deliver,” Tim explains with a chuckle.

But Berverlyne Amolo, a married mother of three, says women only want to feel protected and taken care of.

“A man carrying a spear and shield to protect me and my children from wild animals isn’t what I need today. The only protection I need is against poverty. So my man’s shield had better be his bank balance and his spear, an income,” says Beverlyne.

She adds that it is women who are always worried about household bills and when worried, the chances of getting intimate with their husbands are nil.

“Honestly, if all bills have been paid and I am sure that there is money for the hospital incase my son gets sick, my husband will have fun. But when I am worried about bills, there is no way I will make that man happy,” she quips.

What annoys women most, however, is that when men are broke, they coil their tails and arrive home long before dark. Even on weekends, they hardly step out of the door. But the moment they have cash at end month, it is as if the family sofa has needles that prick their bottoms. They go!

Arrogant

“You will be amazed how arrogant and rude husbands get when they have a bit of money. That’s when they tell you, ‘If you want to go, go!’ On payday, they go straight to the bar and when you call, they don’t pick calls because they are flirting with funny women and buying strangers beer,” says Margaret Kanini, a housewife.

Margaret remembers waiting till midnight one day for her husband, who had been broke for weeks, to come home with dinner for her and the children to no avail.

“He came home at 3am very drunk and with no food and imagine he expected us to have sex. How?” Margaret asks.

What incensed her most is that three days later, she found some meat rotting in the boot of his car because he had forgotten all about it. Needless to say, there was no love in that house till end month.

But an elderly city man that the writer interviewed for this story explains it doesn’t matter how much testosterone a man has. Our forefathers, he says, killed lions, trekked for miles and raided cattle from neighbouring communities to feed their family. That is why they were called great men.

“Being a ‘man’ depends on where you work and how much you earn. With money, you can hire a security firm to protect your wife at night and employ men older than your father who will stand up when you walk into a room and call you ‘sir’.

“You can sleep with someone’s wife, but the hapless husband won’t do anything because you have more money than him. You, therefore, cannot come home broke in the middle of the month and expect your wife to shower you with kisses — if at all you can rise to the occasion without money!” sneers the old man.

So guys, remember this January, you are not men — just human beings!